Angered by the Judgement: Nigerian Man Sets Court Ablaze

This is another must read story! I read it and said y'all ain't gonna miss out one bit. May not be the Roflmao type of story but yet, it is one of the ITs of this weekend. Continue reading...

Yesterday, in Funtua, Katsina State of Nigeria, Ahmed Ubale Mai-Nama was said to have set ablaze an Upper Shari'a Court! Why, you asked? He was pissed, yes, angered, cheesed off, incensed, over alleged dissolution of his marriage!

Ahmed's wife demanded for a divorce which led to a serious quarrel between the couple. Ahmed refused to grant his wife's request. Two weeks ago, he filed a case with the court seeking it to safeguard his marriage. According to one account, when he sensed he might lose the case, Ahmed asked that his wife's family return everything he spent during their wedding. The court granted him that and he was paid all the expenses he incurred. But when the judgement favored his wife and the court dissolved their marriage, Ahmed went ballistic! Early yesterday morning, he set the court on fire and watched it burn. The fire destroyed the judge's office, the chamber and the registrar's office, plus hundreds of case files. Angry man Ahmed was later arrested by the court's guards and some passers-by and is now being held at the Funtua Police Area Command.

Are you kidding me? Wonders are truly just beginning! Y'all have a happy and safe weekend!

"Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor."---Elizabeth 1 (1533 - 1603), in Francis Bacon, Apophthegms, 1625.

AIRBORNE

Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and bear no semblance to anyone living or dead.

My very good friend, Jasmine, shared this story with me. It happened to someone we knew from years back. I promised to share every juicy story I came across with you. This is one heck of a juicy story. Oh, did I have a good laugh! It wouldn't have been funny at the initial time, but hey, time heals most wounds. The person involved now laughs about it so why won't I? Call up your imaginative self and come with me: Vivienne and Doug have been having an affair for about two years. As at the time of this story, Vivienne was a fourth year student in one of the colleges out of state while Doug lived in New Jersey with his wife of seventeen years and their three kids.

One weekend in August of 2011, Vivienne was coming to spend a four-day weekend with her man. Her busy schedule made it impossible to visit often. Doug promised her a special surprise and a memorable weekend. He took the Thursday and Friday off to have ample time for his girl, rented a suite in a hotel out of town, ready to have a blast!

As soon as she boarded the plane, as agreed, Vivienne called and informed Doug. The journey normally takes one and a half hours. "Yes...today is the day," Doug muttered. "Today she will experience the new Douglas Jimka...aah...Vivienne will know that I am the man!" He was whistling and dancing to Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" as he took the maximum dose of a new Aphrodisiac he bought off the world wide web. Its onset is about one hour and the effects last for 36 hours! According to the manufacturers, the man should commence action as soon as the effects of the drug start! Thirty minutes after taking the drug, a heavy storm was announced. Yes, Doug and Vivienne knew about the oncoming storm but convinced themselves that Vivienne would have arrived in New Jersey before it would start!

"Hell No...it cannot be! Who-t da f...damn! Rerouting the plane? What do these fools mean by diverting the plane? For what?" Three hours later, Vivienne was still airborne! Doug was airborne too, having gone from being very uncomfortable to having excruciating pain and a fever. His erected manhood was near breaking point! He found it impossible to stand, sit or lie down! The slightest movement hurt as if someone was tugging on his genital to severe it from his body!  Even the touch of his briefs or bed linen caused intense pain! That was when he called Jasmine wailing! Masturbation was out of the question...the severity of the pain ruled out such act! Go to the Emergency room? But what would he tell the doctor...and then his wife...yes, his wife who knew he went to a conference in San Francisco? No...the hospital was not an option! He wrapped his rigid sex organ in ice-cold wash cloth and got some relief. By the time Vivienne arrived four hours later, Doug was too exhausted to perform. He would not even let Vivienne come too close, afraid that she might exacerbate the pain! And he could not go home either. For three days, the two sulking lovers stayed in their love nest but lover-boy, Douglas, could not get an arousal!


"One cannot manage too many affairs: like pumpkins in the water, one pops up while you try to hold down the other."-Chinese proverb 

Hello Sexy!

Nkiru Oh

Hello y'all! Just wanna share this with you. Can't keep such fun without sharing! Won't be nice of me, you know. Now tell me, have you ever laughed so hard that your stomach hurt for days? I mean, kinda laughed so 'laughiously' that you almost peed in your pants or shed tears? That was no ordinary laugh right? By the way, who cares whether 'laughiously' is an English word or not! At least, it serves its purpose to quantify the kind of laughter I am talking about! The 'rolling on the floor' type of laugh!

Well, my friends and I did all of the above few weeks ago! My co-worker and friend, Becky (not real name) made us almost 'laugh our heads off' as one of my Ghanaian friends would say! We were in a party. I implore you to close your eyes and imagine the scene as we go along! You may turn off the lights too if that helps to conjure a better imagery! My friend Becky is the kinda person that lightens the room with her personality.

So, we were in a party! Becky wore this gorgeous wrap-around skirt. That day she dressed to kill and she wanted the world to notice! Here we were on the dance floor; Becky in her 4 1/2 inch high heel shoes parading the length and breath of the hall, swinging, flinging, wriggling, wiggling, twisting, taunting, and flaunting her assets in her well-rehearsed manner! You know what I mean, right? Lo and behold, the unexpected happened: Becky was all the way near the high table in the front when someone hushed, Oh my Gawd wha da heeell...!" We looked ahead to find Becky's skirt lying on the floor, a good ten feet away from her, while she was busy cat walking and mingling!!! Holly Molly! With one accord, the whole house roared and roared and roared! That day made me realize that we laugh in various languages! I heard myself laughing in English, Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba and Ijaw! I heard some laughing in Chinese, Deutsch, Arabic, Swahili, German, French, Creole and other languages I did not know! And that was when Becky turned...saw...and...temporarily froze!

Are y'all still with me? What happened was that Becky wore a black, tight boy short underneath the skirt. Thank God it was clean and not torn too! (Please remind me to tell y'all the story of the man with a torn underwear). So, because of the way the short clung tightly around her, she did not feel it when her skirt wriggled off while she continued with her 'notice me' behavior! I believe her skirt wanted to prove that 'what a woman can do, a recalcitrant skirt can do better?' Thank God for the gentleman who quickly picked the 'notice-me-skirt' and gave it back to the rightful owner! Becky nicely put it back and the fun continued uninterrupted! Becky almost 'laughed her head off' too! And everyone was happily ever after!

The Battle of the Sexes: the Role of the Wife

By Nkiru Oh

The war between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law still rages. What are some of the issues at stake? What can be done to stop this war? Part one of this write-up treated some issues with the mothers-in-law. This part tries to analyze the roles of daughters-in-law to create, maintain, and, or restore peace in their families.

Sometime ago, a young girl told me that her prayer was to never marry a man whose mother was still alive! Shocked as I was, I quickly comported myself so I would not scare her further. When I asked her reasons, she gave me more than an earful which space would not allow me to repeat here. Her main fear was that all mothers-in-law are evil and therefore do not deserve to live! According to her, they hate their sons' wives and are always bent on breaking their marriages!  Do not crucify her please! When a young person makes an assertion such as this, it is one's responsibility as a matured adult to try and find out the root, and help assuage her fears, otherwise one makes things worse!

The questions I asked my young friend apply to every woman out there who share similar beliefs: Do you have a mother? Do you have brothers? Would you want your mother to die before your brothers get married? Do you intend to get married and, or become a mother some day? Assuming you have sons, would you want to die before they get married so you won't be a mother-in-law? When she answered, "God forbid" to my last question, I could see the fear in her eyes of the possibility of my question! I continued, if you have daughters, would you want to see them maltreated by their mothers-in-law or any one else? My friend confirmed she never thought that deep in her entire life!

What then is the fight about? Is the wife too possessive or a control freak? Does she see her husband as her extension? Couples are not extensions of each other please! Some men, in their love-crazed 'trance', tell their fiancees who initially objected to the relationship, what each person said and to whom. (The role of men in this war is another topic, please, bear with me). Has the wife forgiven those people? Is she ready to move on or has she come into the marriage battle-drawn ready? Due to this 'halo effect' on the part of the wife, the mother-in-law now becomes her number one enemy. And that is very wrong! Did any of her relatives advice her to "shine her eyes"? Doesn't it feel great to do the right thing and forget about the nay-sayers?

Again, does the wife see her husband's relatives as parasites? Is the husband the sole provider? Does she know he still has some role to play in his family? Would she want her brothers to neglect her mother and siblings because they got married? If no, why then would she advise her man to hands off his family after marriage? Does she see her mother-in-law as a rival? Does she know she is the wife and not his mother? Does she play her role as his wife and allow his mother to play hers? Am not saying women should not look out for their husbands. They should, after all, they have been joined to become one. But while protecting him and his interests, the wife must remember the man had a family before they became one! I know the man, his wife and their kids form the nuclear family. But we still need our extended families to cherish and to hold! Or are we gonna dispose of everybody simply because Bros got married? What joy to know one can count on those relatives!
Yes, there are mothers who belong to the group of the "Insatiables" and the "Mean-spirited"! Hey, one should adopt the golden rule: "do unto others as you would wish them do unto you", and reap the rewards that come with it! Mutual respect needs to be imbibed! And the men have a great role to play too...

HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

By Nkiru Oh

Remember the most embarrassing moment we talked about the other day? Well, I have another one to share with you. This did not happen to me though. It happened to one of my colleagues some years back. It's not like I laugh at people's misfortune. Never! The fact is that silly things often make us have a good laugh!

Now talking of a good laugh. Do you know that laughter is said to be one of the best medicines ever! Yea...the good old hahahahahehehekikikihikihiki...! And it's free too! So make sure you reap the rewards of this free therapy. Rather than squeeze your face like someone who drank some raw quinine, learn to laugh at yourself. Common, do not take things more serious than they are! If you are one of the embittered homo sapiens in this world...mmmmm...too bad cos you inflict untold woes on yourself! And do not say I did not warn you!

You know what? I think I can rightly deduce that one of the reasons I have this beautiful face, besides the grace of God, and then my parents' genes, is because I can laugh at my self. You're already clicking on my profile foto to prove me wrong? Naaaa! I mean for someone who started smiling few hours after she was born, I ain't doing badly in the laughing mode! That's one of my bragging rights! You doubt me, ask my mama! No...no...no, I laugh only when it's appropriate. I mean, inappropriate laughter connotes something wrong upstairs. Know what I mean?
Dunno why I like to digress! Think that makes the story juicier. Don't you think so? Yes na. So my friend Olivia (not real name) is not physically endowed like some of us. She learnt to augment her small breasts with enhancers. By the way there are enhancers for the behind too! Wonders shall never end!

So one beautiful morning at about 10:00AM, we worked the 6:00AM -2:00PM shift then, I saw Olivia going frantically from one room to another. Everyone asked her what was wrong. Initially, she paid us no mind. So we joined her in the search for the unknown! Ten minutes passed..then fifteen minutes. I was about to call off the search when one of the funniest scenes in the world unfolded right in front of me. Olivia looked me straight in the eyes and went: "Nkiru, please, did you see one of my boobs?" What? I, a boob-keeper? Then she turned to the team of searchers and went, "please, girls, did any one see my boob? Don't know where or when the right one fell off!" Osanobua! One look at Olivia's unequally yoked boobs and we all laughed so hysterically that my stomach hurt for days! You can imagine the scene! But guess what? We found the recalcitrant, stubborn, elopee boob in one of the bathrooms. Olivia gladly put it back where it belonged and every one was happily ever after! Don't forget to share your story. Let the activated laughing mode continue!

HIGHLY CLASSIFIED!

 Nkiru Oh


For long now, I've been wanting to share something highly classified with you. First of all, have you had an embarrassing moment in your life? I mean, the type of situation where you wished you could disappear, or that every other person would melt into thin air so nobody saw what happened to you? You have? No, don't ask me if I have experienced any. I asked you first. So, have you?

Let me be more specific: have you ever landed on your behind, in public, in the full view of everybody? Don't tell me I have a big behind to cushion the fall! That's not the point any way! The issue is that I landed flat on my behind in what I think was the most embarrassing manner of this century!!! To me at least! So, as I was saying, okay, how about I share mine and after, you share yours? Deal? Fine, here we go then.

No, no,no, why should I be ashamed to share an embarrassing moment with my friends, supporters and viewers? Why should you? Common now, learn to laugh at yourself. Life becomes sweeter that way! Even presidents had fallen at one time or the other. Some fractured some bones if I still recollect correctly! Many celebs too. Yeah, musicians and models are not spared either...some have traveled the route more than once. A couple of models fell off the stage onto the audience yet they did not quit their jobs so why should I not laugh at me? When Miss B or Lady J fell during a performance, each continued as if nothing happened. And that was exactly what I did trust me!

My classified expose` happened during a wedding sometime last year. Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Now release the power of  your imagination to the fullest...you can let it run wild too if you so desire! Start picturing the situation: I, yours sincerely, dressed to the T, wearing my 4-inch big-heeled coach sandals with a purse to match....Are you still there? You are laughing already? Okay, where did I stop? Ahaaa, I used to wear stilettos a lot but not anymore! Not because I got wiser and learnt to spare my back from the effects of wearing such shoes...no way...but am like, what's the point wearing shoes and one's face becoming contorted due to intense pain on the toes and lower back, or one walking with legs bent outwardly as if they have formed a bow, all in the name of fashion? I see people like that a lot. That's tortuous you know! So I now wear block high heels. Don't wanna lose no tooth from landing on my face!
Enough digression please! Eehee, so we were in line to toast the bride and groom. Here I was, feeling on top of the world; dancing so elegantly or should I say majestically; giving my million- dollar smile to whoever needed it; did not have a clue someone spilled wine on the carpet....OMG! Please travel to that day with me...as soon as my right foot touched the spill, all hell broke loose! Tried so much to break the fall to no avail! Come and see me skidding, skiing, gyrating, and finally moon walking for about five feet to the back until I heard a loud 'gboam' on the floor! Oh yes, I fell on my behind in the presence of all the wedding guests! The world stood still! You could hear the pin drop! To add salt to injury, the glass of wine in my hand plus that of the person standing next to me emptied on my white top! I think the lady was so amazed that I could do the moonwalk so easily that she forgot she was holding a glass! Or what do you think? Thanks for making the deal with me. Now go ahead and share your story! ***wink...wink***

Depression: the Destroyer of Lives and Relationships

Depression is one of the most debilitating but least acknowledged diseases afflicting mankind. For years, scientists have been searching for origins, causes, and answers for the disease. It wrecks lives and relationships. At times, it operates subtly that the sufferer may not describe exactly what is wrong. It can also be wild and manifest in aggressive ways. In any manner it presents, depression afflicts without mercy. And it does not get the attention it deserves medically.

To the layman, depression is feeling sad. Often you hear people ascribe being depressed with any situation that does not go the way they wanted. For examples, "This rain this morning makes me depressed." "I was in traffic for 30 minutes and I was damned depressed!" "It snowed last night and I am now depressed." Really? That's all? Depression is more than feeling sad,  down or disappointed...

According to MediLexicon's Medical Dictionary, depression is "a mental state or chronic mental disorder characterized by feelings of sadness, loneliness, despair, low self-esteem, and self-reproach; accompanying signs include psychomotor retardation (or less frequently agitation), withdrawal from social contact, and vegetative states such as loss of appetite and insomnia."  Yes, depression does all those plus more.

Unfortunately, this debilitating disease is often ignored or treated with kid's gloves. Sometimes the sufferers, either due to ignorance, lack of access to healthcare, or fear of stigmatization in some cultures, do not seek help until it becomes a little too late. On the other hand, the sufferer may not get the aggressive treatment he/she needs. 

Bear in mind that I am neither a scientist nor an expert but I know what depression is. I know what it can do. I also have seen how dastardly it can be. I wish therefore to address depression the best way I deem fit. To do that effectively, please permit me to personify this malicious sickness. Here we go:

Depression!

Unexpressed anger! 

Suppressed emotions!

You thrive in darkness!

Sadness is your middle name!

Downward spiral!

Dejection!

Self-rejection!

Misery becomes you!
Depression!
Your nicknames are Gloominess!

Helplessness and Hopelessness!

Self-denigration is your last name!

You cause deprivation!

You crave hollowness!

You wallow in loneliness!

Depression!

Uncontrolled descent!

Despondency! Disillusionment!

You are oft called Despair!

Depression, you are a nuisance!
You destroy relationships!

You hold your victims captive!
You make them shadows of themselves!
You send them into penury!

You cause untold pain and anguish!

You hold in a grip and you squeeze so tight!

Depression, you entangle and never let go!

You enslave! You restrain! You possess!

You suppress! You repress! You oppress!

You have people on a choke-hold!
Depression, you smother! You destroy lives!

Depression, you are callous!

How stifling! How suffocating?

How painful, nasty and uncaring?

How cruel? How hurtful can you be?

Why do you flourish in malice?
Why are you so sneaky?
Why must you be a control freak?

Depression, I must expose you for what you are!
Depression, you are really devilish!

THE LETTER

By Nkiru Oh

(Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and not associated with anyone living or dead)

Otunba and Uduak had been married for 27 years. The couple were blessed with four children, twin boys, Miogbon and Mobolaji, and two girls, Ekaete and Takumi. Uduak, 48, was a 12th grade mathematics teacher in one of the high schools in New Jersey.

After twenty years as an accountant with a top notch firm in New York, Otunba retired and became self-employed. He exported fairly used cars to their native country Naija. His nature of business entailed a lot of traveling. He often went to Naija two weeks after the container had shipped. After selling the cars and whatever he shipped, he brought back ethnic foodstuffs which he resold to the ethnic food stores in the tri-state area (New Jersey, New York and Connecticut) with a high profit margin. On occasions when he did not sell everything during his trips, he supplied them to his customers who later paid the money into his domiciliary account.

Tall and handsome with broad shoulders, Otunba, at 58, looked ten years younger than his age. His smiles were disarming. His friends called him a 'ladies man'. More than twice Uduak had to forbid some of Takumi's female friends from coming over to their house because of their provocative dressings and the manner at which her husband stole glances at them. The children and their dad teased her for being too 'local' and weird. Otunba often commented that his wife left the village but the village never left her.

As time went on, Otunba started staying longer in Naija. Three weeks increased to four, five, six weeks, and then up to three months or more. Every subsequent trip lasted longer than the one before. His late-night phone calls increased too. He was getting too many customers who wanted him to buy cars for them. So why should he restrict their calls? 

"Otunba why do you now need to hide to answer your calls?" Uduak asked him one night when she woke up to use the bathroom at 2 o'clock in the morning and did not see him in bed. She became anxious but finally found him in the guest bathroom, with the lights out, talking on his cell phone.
"If you must know, Mrs. Curious Monkey, I do not want to disturb my wife's sleep! I mean, why should I?...here, take the phone and talk to Mr. Ibe, my agent cum major customer in Abuja...ask him why he is bringing many business deals to your husband? Go ahead, ask him...women and their troubles! You never satisfy them!" He walked past his wife and went back to bed. Uduak rejoined him, unconvinced by his feigned anger!

With time, Otunba started complaining about most things ranging from the food to sex. Every night he surfed the social networks for hours. Then he started chewing Viagra like candies and began asking for all kinds of sexual positions: the dog style, figure-8, figure-6, twist, humpy-hump, monkey style, and so on. Uduak's face-me-I-face-you (missionary) position no longer appealed to him. The fact that  she could not satisfy her husband's sexual appetite was alarming. She complained to the children who asked her to learn to live with the times!

Uduak went into a mild depression, started losing weight which turned her husband off the more. One day, after returning from one of his trips to Naija, Otunba did the unthinkable: he demanded a threesome and gave his wife one week to fulfil it! The tone of his voice when he said those words convinced her that he meant it! It was more like a monosyllabic whisper. One week passed, Uduak did nothing. She was confused. Then two weeks, nothing. On the third week came another bombshell: either Uduak gave him a threesome or he would file for divorce!

The chips were down! Uduak wept for three days! She did not want a divorce. Her religion and upbringing were against that. Her problem was consuming her. Her work started to suffer. Her colleagues noticed. The principal inquired but Uduak told everyone that everything was okay.

One day after Uduak had missed school again, her colleague, Twana, came to visit. Initially Uduak was reluctant to confide in Miss T, as students and staff called Twana. When Miss T told her the rumor circulating in school about her, Uduak broke down and cried her hearts out. 

" I will do it for you Uduak. If that's all he wants, common now, I will do it for you."

"You sure Miss T?"

"Of course, Uduak, and I swear with my life, no soul will hear about it unless you or Otunba spilled the beans!"
"You sure, Miss Twana Ivers? Look me in the eyes and promise me that I will not regret this!"
"Yes, I am sure, Mrs. Uduak Otunba! I have sworn with my life...and believe me, you will thank me for everything!" she reiterated.

Uduak got up, wiped her tears and embraced her new best friend and confidante, "after all a threesome is better than the rumor of me having HIV/AIDS!" Thus Uduak saved her marriage! Everyone was happy. Otunba reduced the duration of his trips. To him, "what was the point spending his hard earned cash on those undergrads in Naija when Miss T provided better services and for less?" He professed that life had gone back to normal or even better! He did not mind when Uduak started spending more time at Miss T's apartment or going places in her company.

Three months after the special affair began, Otunba came home to an almost empty house! Was he in a dream? Was he in his house or what? He pinched himself severally to make sure he was still alive. Where was his wife? What happened to her, her belongings, and the new living room set he bought the week before? He went "No...No...Noooo!" On the night stand in his bedroom was a letter in his wife's hand-writing. He took one look at it and collapsed on the bedroom floor and let out a shriek, "No...No...No...Noooooooooooooo! God forbid! God forbid! Nooooooooooooooo!"

After he summoned up enough courage, Otunba re-read the letter which began thus, "My beloved Otunba, Thank you very much for giving me one of the best gifts ever...!" He could not take it any more. He threw up and passed out  right there! When he came to, the reality hit him full force again. His beloved wife, Uduak, had left him and moved out of state with her new lover, Miss Twana Ivers.

NUMBER 8

By Nkiru Oh

(Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and have no association with anyone living or dead).

Emeka and Nene had been friends since high school. They attended the same college where both majored in Business Administration. They started dating in college and each professed to be head-over-heels with the other. Three years after college they got engaged. Emeka lived in Pennsylvania while Nene was based in New York. Both were working. Life was good. Three months to their wedding, Emeka eloped with an ex and got married in Alaska. Nene was crushed.

Ten years later, Nene ran into Emeka in a conference in Chicago. He knelt down in the hallway and asked for forgiveness. By the third day, it was a three-day conference, Nene soft-pedaled and they exchanged numbers. Within a short while, the relationship went into top gear. Emeka's friends tried to warn him against the union to no avail. His mind was made up. This time around, he wanted to do it right. Besides, Nene was SSS (single and still searching)! 

Shortly, Emeka started hearing rumors of Nene cheating on him. Each time he raised the topic, Nene would sound offended and threaten to end the relationship. She convinced Emeka that the rumors were being circulated by the 'enemies of progress'; people who were envious of them. He suggested that they should live together but Nene would not hear of it. She guarded her independence with a passion.

One beautiful summer evening, Emeka came to spend another weekend with his girl. The next day, Saturday, after they had come back from the movies, Emeka quickly freshened up and laid down on the queen-sized bed ready for some good time. While Nene was in the shower, her phone rang. Emeka reached for the receiver. What he saw on the caller Id was unbelievably hilarious. "Scumbag # 4", it said. "Wow", he chuckled, "this girl really knows how to take care of those bastards! Mmmm...no wonder all the stories they circulate about her! Fools! Damn them scumbags for sure!"

Emeka started whistling the "I Feel Good" tune. He was getting very excited. "I know what she will save my name as...'Honey', 'Sweetheart', 'Emmy', 'Mekus', or simply 'Darling'...or...or even 'The Man' as she calls me when we make love...lemme find out." Still grinning and almost bursting with pride, Emeka grabbed his cell phone and dialed his girl's number. "No way...this cannot be me!" He speed-dialed a second, third and fourth time, still the same word showed! "Jeez," he rubbed his eyes and put on his glasses, "does it mean Nene has been fooling me all this while?" He dialed a fith time, still the caller Id said, "Scumbag # 8"! Emeka started crying. "This girl is wicked o! So I, Emeka, am a Scumbag?...this witch has been calling me a scumbag all along? Chineke, I am number 8, not even number 1 or 2 or..or even 3 but number 8? God, how long has this been going on?" Emeka did not wait to find out...

"Vada a Bordo/ Go on Board!"-

A Call to Nigeria's President Goodluck Jonathan by Nkiru Oh


On the 13th of January, 2012, the cruise ship, Costa Concordia, with 4200 passengers and crew, hit a rock and capsized off the cost of Giglio, Italy. The conversation that ensued between the Coast Guard Captain Gregorio De Falco and the ship's Captain Francesco Shettino was one of the most interesting pieces ever! I want to share what I found very interesting and commendable, and use the incident as a premise to appeal to the Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan to get back on board.

Captain Shettino was said to have abandoned his responsibility by leaving the ship while passengers were still on board. Obviously, because of an unwritten code which exists that the captain of a ship is the last to leave, Captain Shettino's action was decried all over the world. Captains who exhibited such bravery as staying until the last passenger was rescued, or the risk became too dangerous, were hailed as heroes. Some of those heroes even perished with their vessels. Those who abandoned ship in a time of emergency were few and were forever castigated.

Delay, they say, is costly. One hour after the ship had run aground, Captain Shettino was still heard giving excuses. Several orders by the coastal guard, Captain De Falco, were ignored. Shettino's excuses hinged on the realms of absurdity: "...it is dark and we can't see anything; I am with my second in command; ...the other boat here...it has stopped; I am here with the rescue boats...I am here to co-ordinate the rescue..."

The shirking of responsibility by the ship's captain is striking. How can the captain of a ship co-ordinate rescue operations from outside of the ship? As the commander, isn't the captain the best person to give situational report and from inside the ship? Long ago, Nigeria hit the rock and capsized. Poor governance and corruption have held the nation captive all these tears. For years, Nigeria has been aground ready to sink! The activities of the boko haram militants coupled with the endemically corrupt leadership are fastly submerging the country's ship of state, and the captain has been giving all kinds of excuses!
The boko haram menace has cost many lives and maimed many more. From the bombing of the UN headquarters in Abuja that killed at least 23 people, to the Christmas day bomb blast where about 37 died, to the Kano bombings with over 150 deaths, and today's killing of more than 12 civilians in Maiduguri, the boko haram seems to be winning.

Acording to President Jonathan, the members of this sect have infiltrated every aspect of government including the police, army and security, and they "operate without a face". Are these excuses or what? Really? Whoever though they would operate "with a face"? Is acknowledging that they operate without a face a sound of despair and hopelessness? Does it mean that the president has sounded, or is ready to sound the "abandon ship"? Is he willing and ready to take the next life boat and co-ordinate the rescue of Nigerians from the outside of the ship, like Captain Shettino?

Nigeria is undergoing  a very dark period in her history. So what? Boko haram has infiltrated the government. And so what, President Jonathan? Who is the real commander of the Federal Republic of Nigeria: is it still President Goodluck Jonathan or the militants? Nigerians are looking up to their Commander-in-chief to be in control. The world is watching too! He needs to get back on board! Posterity will thank him for that. Or as Captain De Falco asked Captain Shettino, does the president "want to go home...? It is dark and [he wants] to go home?" As a good leader, it's advisable that President Jonathan should "get on that prow of the boat using the pilot ladder and [take charge and instruct his staff on what needs to be done]...Now!"


Nkiru Oh

HYPOCRITE!

                                      By Nkiru Oh

The right side of your mouth says white!

Alas, the left side seems so black!

You aim your long dagger at my back.

But your lips confess our bond to be so tight!

You smile at me when I am present!

Behind my back, you become so sneaky!

You draw your dart always so creepy!

As you eulogize me with words fit only for a saint!

Hypocrite! That is what you are!

Hypocrite! Your game is up!

Your antics and guile now show at the top!

Unfriendly friend! You are too afraid to dare!

Hypocrite! Liar!! Worse than a fiend!!!

Who needs an enemy with you around as a friend?

REJOICE!

By Nkiru Oh

You may not be the richest in the land.
And you are not the prettiest in the band.

You do not live at the coveted part of the city.

And do not have millions which cause you self-pity.

You cannot afford a cruise to the Islands

Neither can you pay for a weekend in the main lands.

The list of what you cannot do,

May fill all the scrolls in the world and the seas too.

But wait a minute! Think for a second!!

Those wasted moments can never be regained.

Take a trip to the inside of you.

Examine who you are, enjoy that you in you.

Your life is precious, celebrate it.

Waking up is a blessing, be thankful for it.

Those little things you take for granted:
Getting off the car when you have landed;

Bathing and grooming, putting on your shoes;

Holding up a spoon or a box of your tools;

Driving to the movies or the grocery stores;

Laughing and making merry with friends and loved ones;

Telling the time, your anniversaries and birthdays;

Distinguishing the seasons, the nights from the days;

Though very simple, basic and easy

Yet very complex and unattainable to the queasy!

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Today is the time, tomorrow may be gone.

Rejoice and be glad, be thankful for now.

Rejoice and be glad, I believe you know how.

Do not wait to marry.                                                                            

There’s no more time to tarry.

Do no wait to have kids before you rejoice.

Or to get that new job before you make your choice.

Do not wait till those unfriendly colleagues all get fired.

Or the wicked bosses that troubled you are all retired.

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Now is the time, tomorrow may be gone.

Be the best you can, be thankful for your life.

Rejoice and be glad! Celebrate you and end the strife!