Christian Mothers

Nkiru Oh


Somebody please come to the rescue! Women are going nuclear with the way they 'share' 'current affairs' and stories about their 'friends' and others! Don't wanna call it 'gossip' cos I wouldn't wanna be accused of belittling my gender. With all due respects for all the beautiful, intelligent, disciplined and gracious Nigerian women all over the world, this piece addresses the few bad apples that have sworn to spoil the whole bunch! What is going on with some women?

 High school students perfected the "polite gossip" method. If during an outing for instance, a girl wanted to tell that another student borrowed her outfit or a pair of shoes, she would wait until it was dancing time. She would edge close to a group or whomever she wanted to 'confide' in and would start a 'polite' conversation. Or she might start talking to herself: "woow, I didn't even know that dress is this beautiful! When I wore it to Ifeoma's (not real name) wedding, I didn't know it was this gorgeous! Look how it fits Uju more than me the owner!" Now, if no one responded, she would edge closer and be direct: "Tell me Nkiru, that dress Uju is wearing is my dress but when I put it on, it doesn't fit me like this. Or does it?" If she was the mean type, she would go, "the way Uju is dancing so roughly, I hope she doesn't tear my dress o. That I borrowed it to her doesn't mean she should destroy it, haba! That's why I don't like to borrow my things. That was how Jane borrowed my shoes and brought them back without the buckles...and...and Njii borrowed my white Sunday hat and turned it to 'it was white'! All this borrow-borrow girls sef!" She might decide to give Uju that 'do-not-even-dare-spoil-my-dress' look which often yielded the expected result. Poor Uju would sit at a corner with a 'headache' or sudden 'menstrual cramps' until the end of the party! But they were young and knew not what they were doing!
What then do we call what some full grown Nigerian women do these days? Weird as it is, some women behave like immature high school kids of yesteryears! Yes, they gossip and destroy without baiting an eyelid! They fabricate all sorts of lies to bring down others! As if those are not enough, they now use technology to further their mischief! A co-worker once told me that when you are on the phone with someone and she asks you to hold, you should please, check yourself. Why, you asked? Well, if the conversation is 'top secret' or 'highly classified', you are better off  hanging up the receiver. Reason? Cos she might have asked you to hold on so she would connect her cohorts to hear the story from the 'horse's mouth!' You may believe you are conversing with Lady Gossipy but Miss Ratty and Mrs. Catty are listening in! By the end of your talk, your confidential story is everywhere! Some men do that too but the women surpass them! Women have gone nuclear in the art of gossip! And many of them are mothers... Christian mothers! Quite unfortunate, you know! So how about if the person puts you on hold for some genuine reason? Well, when she comes back, watch her questions. If she starts the story afresh or asks you to rewind...mmmmm...use discernment please! Many people have experienced it. A friend of mine was asked to eavesdrop but she hung up. Smart woman...didn't wanna be a party to that lowest of lows! Such betrayal hurts! A co-worker (Jide for this write-up) was on the phone with her so-called friend when she tried the gaffe. To her shame, she forgot she had switched back to Jide and went, "Ada...don't say nothing, just listen!" When she apologized for keeping her waiting, Jide was like "that's not a problem...so let's talk later..click!" Imagine!

Add the above method to sending texts and emails plus anonymously printing and circulating all sorts of ugly stories about people and tell me if those women have not gone wild! You think every adult is matured? Hell no! Some behave so disgustingly immature, awfully low-life and despicably shameless too! While people are aiming for the highest good, while many are working to make some positive impact in society, those losers and hypocrites are busy on the social media tarnishing people's image! What is going on women? What is the rage for? Why won't they grow up and go get a life? Why the anonymous mails? Since they have become dare-devils, why hide? Dare-devils do not hide that's why their activities constitute a dare! Methink they are afraid of lawsuits hence they go underground. But why engage in such acts in the first place? Is it envy or just insanity? I mean, could it be those women are sick in the head? Could it be they are angry at successful women because they remind them of their failures! Are they mad at society because they are losers? Wherein  lies the honor of a Christian Mother who chooses to tear down rather than build up? Which God is she serving? What do you think are some of the reasons for such appalling behavior?

The Battle of the Sexes: the Role of the Wife

By Nkiru Oh

The war between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law still rages. What are some of the issues at stake? What can be done to stop this war? Part one of this write-up treated some issues with the mothers-in-law. This part tries to analyze the roles of daughters-in-law to create, maintain, and, or restore peace in their families.

Sometime ago, a young girl told me that her prayer was to never marry a man whose mother was still alive! Shocked as I was, I quickly comported myself so I would not scare her further. When I asked her reasons, she gave me more than an earful which space would not allow me to repeat here. Her main fear was that all mothers-in-law are evil and therefore do not deserve to live! According to her, they hate their sons' wives and are always bent on breaking their marriages!  Do not crucify her please! When a young person makes an assertion such as this, it is one's responsibility as a matured adult to try and find out the root, and help assuage her fears, otherwise one makes things worse!

The questions I asked my young friend apply to every woman out there who share similar beliefs: Do you have a mother? Do you have brothers? Would you want your mother to die before your brothers get married? Do you intend to get married and, or become a mother some day? Assuming you have sons, would you want to die before they get married so you won't be a mother-in-law? When she answered, "God forbid" to my last question, I could see the fear in her eyes of the possibility of my question! I continued, if you have daughters, would you want to see them maltreated by their mothers-in-law or any one else? My friend confirmed she never thought that deep in her entire life!

What then is the fight about? Is the wife too possessive or a control freak? Does she see her husband as her extension? Couples are not extensions of each other please! Some men, in their love-crazed 'trance', tell their fiancees who initially objected to the relationship, what each person said and to whom. (The role of men in this war is another topic, please, bear with me). Has the wife forgiven those people? Is she ready to move on or has she come into the marriage battle-drawn ready? Due to this 'halo effect' on the part of the wife, the mother-in-law now becomes her number one enemy. And that is very wrong! Did any of her relatives advice her to "shine her eyes"? Doesn't it feel great to do the right thing and forget about the nay-sayers?

Again, does the wife see her husband's relatives as parasites? Is the husband the sole provider? Does she know he still has some role to play in his family? Would she want her brothers to neglect her mother and siblings because they got married? If no, why then would she advise her man to hands off his family after marriage? Does she see her mother-in-law as a rival? Does she know she is the wife and not his mother? Does she play her role as his wife and allow his mother to play hers? Am not saying women should not look out for their husbands. They should, after all, they have been joined to become one. But while protecting him and his interests, the wife must remember the man had a family before they became one! I know the man, his wife and their kids form the nuclear family. But we still need our extended families to cherish and to hold! Or are we gonna dispose of everybody simply because Bros got married? What joy to know one can count on those relatives!
Yes, there are mothers who belong to the group of the "Insatiables" and the "Mean-spirited"! Hey, one should adopt the golden rule: "do unto others as you would wish them do unto you", and reap the rewards that come with it! Mutual respect needs to be imbibed! And the men have a great role to play too...

The Battle of the Sexes-Part One

 By Nkiru Oh

For years a battle has been raging between mothers-in-law versus daughters-in-law. This ongoing war does not seem to abate soon. So my question remains why? Why do many women find it difficult to co-exist with others? What is the battle for? One is the mother. The other is the wife. So what, in God's name, are they fighting for? Why would two people who profess to love the same man not live peacefully? Come to think of it, why is it that fathers-in-law do not wage wars with their sons' wives? Does it mean men are easier to please? Are they more understanding? Is it right to say that men are less competitive for their children's attention? Or that men are more matured? Is it now obvious that men feel more secured than women? Why must the battle be between the women? What is the matter with some of us? What are we fighting for? I need answers please!

Before any woman or mother feels offended, I am a woman and a mother too! I want us to join hands to end this war! A woman was strangled by her mother-in-law for giving birth to a third girl! Another was set ablaze for similar reason! Yet another was stripped naked because the son refused to give money to his mother, and it must be the wife's fault! Oh, another would call her son 5:30 AM almost daily for some 'crucial' meeting. Why, you may ask? Because she knows that is when the couple does some early morning stuff! Don't forget the mother who insists on cooking for her sons even after marriage. Really? Is she the mother or the wife? What is she trying to prove? The list is endless! What is going on women? Where is the love you said you have for your son? I believe that if you love someone, you wanna see that person happy. Right?

If a mother, wrecks her son's marriage/family, where then is the love? God bless my mother! Never heard that she quarreled with my brothers' wives! On one occasion when one of my brothers said an unkind word to his wife, and he had the nerve to do so in our mom's presence, Lord have mercy... he did not like what he got! We all joined our mother to give him some mouthfuls. Yes, we gave him enough for a lifetime! ( By the way, the case with the sisters-in-law is the subject of another write-up). My brother never tried the bull crap again! Am not saying my brother has a perfect marriage. No one does. But my mother did not compete with her sons' wives! That means it can be done! There can be peace between mothers and their sons' wives!
Okay, the mother gave birth to a son, nurtured him, went through thick and thin to see that he turned out well. Yes? I almost forgot, she carried him for nine long months...aha! Now what? Children should love and honor their parents. To me as a Christian, that is not to be compromised. But the love for a mother is different from that for a wife! And that is what some mothers fail to understand. That she does not approve of the girl is not a reason to torment her! She is her son's choice! She does not choose for her son. Or is she saying her son is foolish or not matured enough to know what he wants? Why wont she give peace a chance and enjoy the privilege extended to her?

Besides, some mothers tend to forget that they were once some one's daughter-in-law. And their daughters are married into other families too. Even if she has only sons, so what? Won't it be nice for mothers to treat their daughters-in-law the way they would want their daughters to be treated? Won't it be better if mothers should relax and allow the younger couple to live their lives while according them all due respect? Won't it be great that they accept their sons' wives as part of the family and stop seeing them as usurpers and rivals? Mothers should remember that their sons' wives are some one's daughters, and hopefully, will become mothers some day! It's all about letting go, cutting the apron strings, loving one's son enough to accept that he has become a man, a husband, and one day, a father! The daughters-in-law have a great role to play for peace to reign. But that will be discussed in Part 2..............