Runaway Husband

Nkiru Oh

Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and bear no semblance to anyone dead or alive.

Runaway husband? Can't recollect the last time I read that in the dailies. Yea, I know about runaway brides or wives. I know separation and or divorce are on the increase. But a runaway husband, as in literally running away? Nah...that ain't common at all!

My co-worker, Juma, told me one of the juiciest stories ever! Banfa and Ramota were High school sweethearts. After graduating college, they wedded in a private ceremony in one of the Caribbean islands. That was thirty-five years ago. Their marriage was blessed with four children, two boys and two girls. According to Juma, apart from Banfa's occasional complaints of his wife's increasing rigidity and declining bedmatics, Ramota was not aware of the her husband's ruse until she saw the divorce papers. The rest is now history.

Six months after his divorce, 65 year-old Banfa married the sexy bombshell, Jayatu. After wedding in an elaborate ceremony in Las Vegas, the lovebirds settled in one of the upscale cities of California. Within two months of living together as man and wife, rumors started circulating that Jayatu was cheating. Juma attested to seeing her in a compromising position with two different men who were not related to her or her husband. First time was on their wedding night, second was six weeks after the wedding. You ask why she did not tell her uncle? Well she said didn't want to risk being 'disowned' as was the case with whoever did not support the union!


This year marks their second wedding anniversary and Banfa has already made history! Are you still there? Brace yourself for the juiciest part please! Three weeks ago, Juma got an unexpected visitor in her two-bedroom apartment here in New Jersey! Banfa has run away from both his wife and their eight-bedroom-four full-bath mansion in California! Why? He is afraid for his dear life! Juma is now making sense of the numerous male-enhancing drugs she saw on the nightstand each time she visited her uncle and his new wife. He has taken so many of those drugs that he is afraid of dying of stroke or heart-attack! To make matters worse, even with enhancers, Banfa still could not keep up with the sexual demands of his 24 year-old heartthrob! To cut the long story short, he has filed for divorce! He detests his wife so much that he would not address her by name. He refers to her as "the murderess", and swore that she planned to literally "kill him with sex" so as to take all his money! Or how could anyone explain to him Jayatu's huge apetite for sex? She would not even allow him time to recuperate, which takes some days, before asking fore more. After he foamed in the mouth and fainted during the last sex marathon, he added two and two and ran away! Yes, Banfa ran away and swore to never go back to "the lion's den", as he now calls the beautiful home he once shared with Jayatu!

"If there was strife and contention in the home, very little else in life could compensate for it."--Lawana Blackwell

AIRBORNE

Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and bear no semblance to anyone living or dead.

My very good friend, Jasmine, shared this story with me. It happened to someone we knew from years back. I promised to share every juicy story I came across with you. This is one heck of a juicy story. Oh, did I have a good laugh! It wouldn't have been funny at the initial time, but hey, time heals most wounds. The person involved now laughs about it so why won't I? Call up your imaginative self and come with me: Vivienne and Doug have been having an affair for about two years. As at the time of this story, Vivienne was a fourth year student in one of the colleges out of state while Doug lived in New Jersey with his wife of seventeen years and their three kids.

One weekend in August of 2011, Vivienne was coming to spend a four-day weekend with her man. Her busy schedule made it impossible to visit often. Doug promised her a special surprise and a memorable weekend. He took the Thursday and Friday off to have ample time for his girl, rented a suite in a hotel out of town, ready to have a blast!

As soon as she boarded the plane, as agreed, Vivienne called and informed Doug. The journey normally takes one and a half hours. "Yes...today is the day," Doug muttered. "Today she will experience the new Douglas Jimka...aah...Vivienne will know that I am the man!" He was whistling and dancing to Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" as he took the maximum dose of a new Aphrodisiac he bought off the world wide web. Its onset is about one hour and the effects last for 36 hours! According to the manufacturers, the man should commence action as soon as the effects of the drug start! Thirty minutes after taking the drug, a heavy storm was announced. Yes, Doug and Vivienne knew about the oncoming storm but convinced themselves that Vivienne would have arrived in New Jersey before it would start!

"Hell No...it cannot be! Who-t da f...damn! Rerouting the plane? What do these fools mean by diverting the plane? For what?" Three hours later, Vivienne was still airborne! Doug was airborne too, having gone from being very uncomfortable to having excruciating pain and a fever. His erected manhood was near breaking point! He found it impossible to stand, sit or lie down! The slightest movement hurt as if someone was tugging on his genital to severe it from his body!  Even the touch of his briefs or bed linen caused intense pain! That was when he called Jasmine wailing! Masturbation was out of the question...the severity of the pain ruled out such act! Go to the Emergency room? But what would he tell the doctor...and then his wife...yes, his wife who knew he went to a conference in San Francisco? No...the hospital was not an option! He wrapped his rigid sex organ in ice-cold wash cloth and got some relief. By the time Vivienne arrived four hours later, Doug was too exhausted to perform. He would not even let Vivienne come too close, afraid that she might exacerbate the pain! And he could not go home either. For three days, the two sulking lovers stayed in their love nest but lover-boy, Douglas, could not get an arousal!


"One cannot manage too many affairs: like pumpkins in the water, one pops up while you try to hold down the other."-Chinese proverb 

Christian Mothers

Nkiru Oh


Somebody please come to the rescue! Women are going nuclear with the way they 'share' 'current affairs' and stories about their 'friends' and others! Don't wanna call it 'gossip' cos I wouldn't wanna be accused of belittling my gender. With all due respects for all the beautiful, intelligent, disciplined and gracious Nigerian women all over the world, this piece addresses the few bad apples that have sworn to spoil the whole bunch! What is going on with some women?

 High school students perfected the "polite gossip" method. If during an outing for instance, a girl wanted to tell that another student borrowed her outfit or a pair of shoes, she would wait until it was dancing time. She would edge close to a group or whomever she wanted to 'confide' in and would start a 'polite' conversation. Or she might start talking to herself: "woow, I didn't even know that dress is this beautiful! When I wore it to Ifeoma's (not real name) wedding, I didn't know it was this gorgeous! Look how it fits Uju more than me the owner!" Now, if no one responded, she would edge closer and be direct: "Tell me Nkiru, that dress Uju is wearing is my dress but when I put it on, it doesn't fit me like this. Or does it?" If she was the mean type, she would go, "the way Uju is dancing so roughly, I hope she doesn't tear my dress o. That I borrowed it to her doesn't mean she should destroy it, haba! That's why I don't like to borrow my things. That was how Jane borrowed my shoes and brought them back without the buckles...and...and Njii borrowed my white Sunday hat and turned it to 'it was white'! All this borrow-borrow girls sef!" She might decide to give Uju that 'do-not-even-dare-spoil-my-dress' look which often yielded the expected result. Poor Uju would sit at a corner with a 'headache' or sudden 'menstrual cramps' until the end of the party! But they were young and knew not what they were doing!
What then do we call what some full grown Nigerian women do these days? Weird as it is, some women behave like immature high school kids of yesteryears! Yes, they gossip and destroy without baiting an eyelid! They fabricate all sorts of lies to bring down others! As if those are not enough, they now use technology to further their mischief! A co-worker once told me that when you are on the phone with someone and she asks you to hold, you should please, check yourself. Why, you asked? Well, if the conversation is 'top secret' or 'highly classified', you are better off  hanging up the receiver. Reason? Cos she might have asked you to hold on so she would connect her cohorts to hear the story from the 'horse's mouth!' You may believe you are conversing with Lady Gossipy but Miss Ratty and Mrs. Catty are listening in! By the end of your talk, your confidential story is everywhere! Some men do that too but the women surpass them! Women have gone nuclear in the art of gossip! And many of them are mothers... Christian mothers! Quite unfortunate, you know! So how about if the person puts you on hold for some genuine reason? Well, when she comes back, watch her questions. If she starts the story afresh or asks you to rewind...mmmmm...use discernment please! Many people have experienced it. A friend of mine was asked to eavesdrop but she hung up. Smart woman...didn't wanna be a party to that lowest of lows! Such betrayal hurts! A co-worker (Jide for this write-up) was on the phone with her so-called friend when she tried the gaffe. To her shame, she forgot she had switched back to Jide and went, "Ada...don't say nothing, just listen!" When she apologized for keeping her waiting, Jide was like "that's not a problem...so let's talk later..click!" Imagine!

Add the above method to sending texts and emails plus anonymously printing and circulating all sorts of ugly stories about people and tell me if those women have not gone wild! You think every adult is matured? Hell no! Some behave so disgustingly immature, awfully low-life and despicably shameless too! While people are aiming for the highest good, while many are working to make some positive impact in society, those losers and hypocrites are busy on the social media tarnishing people's image! What is going on women? What is the rage for? Why won't they grow up and go get a life? Why the anonymous mails? Since they have become dare-devils, why hide? Dare-devils do not hide that's why their activities constitute a dare! Methink they are afraid of lawsuits hence they go underground. But why engage in such acts in the first place? Is it envy or just insanity? I mean, could it be those women are sick in the head? Could it be they are angry at successful women because they remind them of their failures! Are they mad at society because they are losers? Wherein  lies the honor of a Christian Mother who chooses to tear down rather than build up? Which God is she serving? What do you think are some of the reasons for such appalling behavior?

The Battle of the Sexes: the Role of the Wife

By Nkiru Oh

The war between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law still rages. What are some of the issues at stake? What can be done to stop this war? Part one of this write-up treated some issues with the mothers-in-law. This part tries to analyze the roles of daughters-in-law to create, maintain, and, or restore peace in their families.

Sometime ago, a young girl told me that her prayer was to never marry a man whose mother was still alive! Shocked as I was, I quickly comported myself so I would not scare her further. When I asked her reasons, she gave me more than an earful which space would not allow me to repeat here. Her main fear was that all mothers-in-law are evil and therefore do not deserve to live! According to her, they hate their sons' wives and are always bent on breaking their marriages!  Do not crucify her please! When a young person makes an assertion such as this, it is one's responsibility as a matured adult to try and find out the root, and help assuage her fears, otherwise one makes things worse!

The questions I asked my young friend apply to every woman out there who share similar beliefs: Do you have a mother? Do you have brothers? Would you want your mother to die before your brothers get married? Do you intend to get married and, or become a mother some day? Assuming you have sons, would you want to die before they get married so you won't be a mother-in-law? When she answered, "God forbid" to my last question, I could see the fear in her eyes of the possibility of my question! I continued, if you have daughters, would you want to see them maltreated by their mothers-in-law or any one else? My friend confirmed she never thought that deep in her entire life!

What then is the fight about? Is the wife too possessive or a control freak? Does she see her husband as her extension? Couples are not extensions of each other please! Some men, in their love-crazed 'trance', tell their fiancees who initially objected to the relationship, what each person said and to whom. (The role of men in this war is another topic, please, bear with me). Has the wife forgiven those people? Is she ready to move on or has she come into the marriage battle-drawn ready? Due to this 'halo effect' on the part of the wife, the mother-in-law now becomes her number one enemy. And that is very wrong! Did any of her relatives advice her to "shine her eyes"? Doesn't it feel great to do the right thing and forget about the nay-sayers?

Again, does the wife see her husband's relatives as parasites? Is the husband the sole provider? Does she know he still has some role to play in his family? Would she want her brothers to neglect her mother and siblings because they got married? If no, why then would she advise her man to hands off his family after marriage? Does she see her mother-in-law as a rival? Does she know she is the wife and not his mother? Does she play her role as his wife and allow his mother to play hers? Am not saying women should not look out for their husbands. They should, after all, they have been joined to become one. But while protecting him and his interests, the wife must remember the man had a family before they became one! I know the man, his wife and their kids form the nuclear family. But we still need our extended families to cherish and to hold! Or are we gonna dispose of everybody simply because Bros got married? What joy to know one can count on those relatives!
Yes, there are mothers who belong to the group of the "Insatiables" and the "Mean-spirited"! Hey, one should adopt the golden rule: "do unto others as you would wish them do unto you", and reap the rewards that come with it! Mutual respect needs to be imbibed! And the men have a great role to play too...

The Battle of the Sexes-Part One

 By Nkiru Oh

For years a battle has been raging between mothers-in-law versus daughters-in-law. This ongoing war does not seem to abate soon. So my question remains why? Why do many women find it difficult to co-exist with others? What is the battle for? One is the mother. The other is the wife. So what, in God's name, are they fighting for? Why would two people who profess to love the same man not live peacefully? Come to think of it, why is it that fathers-in-law do not wage wars with their sons' wives? Does it mean men are easier to please? Are they more understanding? Is it right to say that men are less competitive for their children's attention? Or that men are more matured? Is it now obvious that men feel more secured than women? Why must the battle be between the women? What is the matter with some of us? What are we fighting for? I need answers please!

Before any woman or mother feels offended, I am a woman and a mother too! I want us to join hands to end this war! A woman was strangled by her mother-in-law for giving birth to a third girl! Another was set ablaze for similar reason! Yet another was stripped naked because the son refused to give money to his mother, and it must be the wife's fault! Oh, another would call her son 5:30 AM almost daily for some 'crucial' meeting. Why, you may ask? Because she knows that is when the couple does some early morning stuff! Don't forget the mother who insists on cooking for her sons even after marriage. Really? Is she the mother or the wife? What is she trying to prove? The list is endless! What is going on women? Where is the love you said you have for your son? I believe that if you love someone, you wanna see that person happy. Right?

If a mother, wrecks her son's marriage/family, where then is the love? God bless my mother! Never heard that she quarreled with my brothers' wives! On one occasion when one of my brothers said an unkind word to his wife, and he had the nerve to do so in our mom's presence, Lord have mercy... he did not like what he got! We all joined our mother to give him some mouthfuls. Yes, we gave him enough for a lifetime! ( By the way, the case with the sisters-in-law is the subject of another write-up). My brother never tried the bull crap again! Am not saying my brother has a perfect marriage. No one does. But my mother did not compete with her sons' wives! That means it can be done! There can be peace between mothers and their sons' wives!
Okay, the mother gave birth to a son, nurtured him, went through thick and thin to see that he turned out well. Yes? I almost forgot, she carried him for nine long months...aha! Now what? Children should love and honor their parents. To me as a Christian, that is not to be compromised. But the love for a mother is different from that for a wife! And that is what some mothers fail to understand. That she does not approve of the girl is not a reason to torment her! She is her son's choice! She does not choose for her son. Or is she saying her son is foolish or not matured enough to know what he wants? Why wont she give peace a chance and enjoy the privilege extended to her?

Besides, some mothers tend to forget that they were once some one's daughter-in-law. And their daughters are married into other families too. Even if she has only sons, so what? Won't it be nice for mothers to treat their daughters-in-law the way they would want their daughters to be treated? Won't it be better if mothers should relax and allow the younger couple to live their lives while according them all due respect? Won't it be great that they accept their sons' wives as part of the family and stop seeing them as usurpers and rivals? Mothers should remember that their sons' wives are some one's daughters, and hopefully, will become mothers some day! It's all about letting go, cutting the apron strings, loving one's son enough to accept that he has become a man, a husband, and one day, a father! The daughters-in-law have a great role to play for peace to reign. But that will be discussed in Part 2..............

Money, Love and Relationship: My Perspective

Nkiru Oh

So what's this fuss about women being too materialistic because they want to date or marry only men with substance? The way some men, and sometimes women too, talk about this issue, am like is it now a taboo for a man to be rich? Yea, before you tell me that "money is the root of all evil," I beg you to please not misquote the Holy Book. I don't appreciate it when this amazing book is misrepresented. It says that, "the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. See the difference? So it is not money that is bad. It is when one loves money and worships it like a demi-god. And that is awful!

Am thinking, what's wrong with a man having money? Or, what's wrong with a man having it all? What's wrong with a man being able to provide for his guurl? Hey, feminists, and feminists-in-the-making, please don't even go there! Am not saying a woman should be a lazy bone or a leech! But as far as am concerned, being an independent, career woman should not stop a woman from allowing herself to be spoilt by her man! Or shall it? What's wrong with having both worlds anyway? Just my thoughts though!

Of course I know, a woman should be able to contribute in her own womanly ways....Any real woman would wanna be a pillar of support to her man. There is joy in that too. But is there anything inherently wrong in a woman choosing a man with substance? Why can a man be selective about the type of guurl he wants but some people cry blue murder when a woman does that? Why is it okay for a man to give statistics of who he wants to be with but a woman cannot do that? Yea, some men want them tall, short, skinny as a tube, curvy, fat, extra fat, exta-extra fat, fair, black, white, green, yellow, bald-headed, long-haired, short-haired, no foreign-haired, employed, professional, and so on. But a woman may be accused of having a false sense of value if she does that. Why?

Is there any man out there who sets out to date a Loser? You know, there are Losers and there  are Certified Losers, (CLs)! Never mind, I will explain: a Loser does not want to excel and does not envy any who excelled. He/ she is just resigned to his/her lot. Fine. A Certified Loser, on the other hand, does not want to excel, does not want anyone to excel, hates whoever excels, and blames everybody else, except himself/herself of course, for his/her woes! Terrible, you just screamed?  So who wants any of these for keeps? Not me, any way!

Should all men swear off wealth and embrace penury to cure guurls of  being 'too materialistic'? Oh yes, I know some will tell me that every relationship should be based on love. Love, yes. But how about if the man has love and money as well? How about if he spices up those two with character? Will a guurl say 'No' to such a man simply because he is 'loaded'? Does it now mean that men with a combination of money, love and character are extinct? I don't think so people! Those three characteristics are not mutually exclusive after all! Do I know men who possess all three characteristics? You bet I sure do!

I did a little research...not official mind you. I found out that people who emphasize this materialism stuff are not rich themselves. Is this then a kind of compensation? So my advice is this, free your minds people! Live your life and let others live theirs. And make your choices wisely too! What is your take on this?

THE LETTER

By Nkiru Oh

(Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and not associated with anyone living or dead)

Otunba and Uduak had been married for 27 years. The couple were blessed with four children, twin boys, Miogbon and Mobolaji, and two girls, Ekaete and Takumi. Uduak, 48, was a 12th grade mathematics teacher in one of the high schools in New Jersey.

After twenty years as an accountant with a top notch firm in New York, Otunba retired and became self-employed. He exported fairly used cars to their native country Naija. His nature of business entailed a lot of traveling. He often went to Naija two weeks after the container had shipped. After selling the cars and whatever he shipped, he brought back ethnic foodstuffs which he resold to the ethnic food stores in the tri-state area (New Jersey, New York and Connecticut) with a high profit margin. On occasions when he did not sell everything during his trips, he supplied them to his customers who later paid the money into his domiciliary account.

Tall and handsome with broad shoulders, Otunba, at 58, looked ten years younger than his age. His smiles were disarming. His friends called him a 'ladies man'. More than twice Uduak had to forbid some of Takumi's female friends from coming over to their house because of their provocative dressings and the manner at which her husband stole glances at them. The children and their dad teased her for being too 'local' and weird. Otunba often commented that his wife left the village but the village never left her.

As time went on, Otunba started staying longer in Naija. Three weeks increased to four, five, six weeks, and then up to three months or more. Every subsequent trip lasted longer than the one before. His late-night phone calls increased too. He was getting too many customers who wanted him to buy cars for them. So why should he restrict their calls? 

"Otunba why do you now need to hide to answer your calls?" Uduak asked him one night when she woke up to use the bathroom at 2 o'clock in the morning and did not see him in bed. She became anxious but finally found him in the guest bathroom, with the lights out, talking on his cell phone.
"If you must know, Mrs. Curious Monkey, I do not want to disturb my wife's sleep! I mean, why should I?...here, take the phone and talk to Mr. Ibe, my agent cum major customer in Abuja...ask him why he is bringing many business deals to your husband? Go ahead, ask him...women and their troubles! You never satisfy them!" He walked past his wife and went back to bed. Uduak rejoined him, unconvinced by his feigned anger!

With time, Otunba started complaining about most things ranging from the food to sex. Every night he surfed the social networks for hours. Then he started chewing Viagra like candies and began asking for all kinds of sexual positions: the dog style, figure-8, figure-6, twist, humpy-hump, monkey style, and so on. Uduak's face-me-I-face-you (missionary) position no longer appealed to him. The fact that  she could not satisfy her husband's sexual appetite was alarming. She complained to the children who asked her to learn to live with the times!

Uduak went into a mild depression, started losing weight which turned her husband off the more. One day, after returning from one of his trips to Naija, Otunba did the unthinkable: he demanded a threesome and gave his wife one week to fulfil it! The tone of his voice when he said those words convinced her that he meant it! It was more like a monosyllabic whisper. One week passed, Uduak did nothing. She was confused. Then two weeks, nothing. On the third week came another bombshell: either Uduak gave him a threesome or he would file for divorce!

The chips were down! Uduak wept for three days! She did not want a divorce. Her religion and upbringing were against that. Her problem was consuming her. Her work started to suffer. Her colleagues noticed. The principal inquired but Uduak told everyone that everything was okay.

One day after Uduak had missed school again, her colleague, Twana, came to visit. Initially Uduak was reluctant to confide in Miss T, as students and staff called Twana. When Miss T told her the rumor circulating in school about her, Uduak broke down and cried her hearts out. 

" I will do it for you Uduak. If that's all he wants, common now, I will do it for you."

"You sure Miss T?"

"Of course, Uduak, and I swear with my life, no soul will hear about it unless you or Otunba spilled the beans!"
"You sure, Miss Twana Ivers? Look me in the eyes and promise me that I will not regret this!"
"Yes, I am sure, Mrs. Uduak Otunba! I have sworn with my life...and believe me, you will thank me for everything!" she reiterated.

Uduak got up, wiped her tears and embraced her new best friend and confidante, "after all a threesome is better than the rumor of me having HIV/AIDS!" Thus Uduak saved her marriage! Everyone was happy. Otunba reduced the duration of his trips. To him, "what was the point spending his hard earned cash on those undergrads in Naija when Miss T provided better services and for less?" He professed that life had gone back to normal or even better! He did not mind when Uduak started spending more time at Miss T's apartment or going places in her company.

Three months after the special affair began, Otunba came home to an almost empty house! Was he in a dream? Was he in his house or what? He pinched himself severally to make sure he was still alive. Where was his wife? What happened to her, her belongings, and the new living room set he bought the week before? He went "No...No...Noooo!" On the night stand in his bedroom was a letter in his wife's hand-writing. He took one look at it and collapsed on the bedroom floor and let out a shriek, "No...No...No...Noooooooooooooo! God forbid! God forbid! Nooooooooooooooo!"

After he summoned up enough courage, Otunba re-read the letter which began thus, "My beloved Otunba, Thank you very much for giving me one of the best gifts ever...!" He could not take it any more. He threw up and passed out  right there! When he came to, the reality hit him full force again. His beloved wife, Uduak, had left him and moved out of state with her new lover, Miss Twana Ivers.

HYPOCRITE!

                                      By Nkiru Oh

The right side of your mouth says white!

Alas, the left side seems so black!

You aim your long dagger at my back.

But your lips confess our bond to be so tight!

You smile at me when I am present!

Behind my back, you become so sneaky!

You draw your dart always so creepy!

As you eulogize me with words fit only for a saint!

Hypocrite! That is what you are!

Hypocrite! Your game is up!

Your antics and guile now show at the top!

Unfriendly friend! You are too afraid to dare!

Hypocrite! Liar!! Worse than a fiend!!!

Who needs an enemy with you around as a friend?