"My Husband Padlocks My Manhood"-Gay Nigerian Man Cries

This story is a must read! It's a  'rolling on the floor, laughing my head/ass off'' kind of story. It's on Stella Dimoko Korkus' page in Encomium magazine. It's sooo hilarious I have to share it with you, my dear readers...

For introduction, Chika (pictured above left), a Nigerian gay man who lives in Germany, got married to Marc Schwartz (pictured above right) a few years ago, but the union ended in 2010.
In an interview with Stella, Chika affirmed that he has gone back to his former husband Marc. You would not believe what Marc did to Chika to prevent any intrusion to, or misuse of his (Chika's) genitalia! Warning: be ready lo laugh! Read the excerpt below:


Chika to Stella: I'm back with Marc but under lock and key. He locked my penis with a tiny iron rope that hold my waist and is not covered at the back but my front side is covered with aluminum and I can only pee and clean it.

Stella: How long have you had this?
Chika: Four months now.

Stella: Is it not torture for you?
Chika: Well, it won't last long because I am thinking of separating from him. And I will break the key and divorce him and this time it's final, because I can't continue to be a good wife

Stella: So why did he lock it?
Chika: No trust, that's all

Stella: So why did you go back to him after last time you complained of too much sex which was causing you pain?
Chika: That's because I feel for him and also he always comes to beg. I didn't know it will be like this.

Stella: You're complaining now but were you blind when your penis was being padlocked?
Chika: I did it out of love charm not knowing I am imprisoning myself. I am trying to break that key and once it's done that means I am done with him. I am sick and tired of this suffering and smiling marriage because he cheats and still picks on me as if I am a kid and yet padlocked me. This is prison.


Are you kidding me? Is this guy for real? Y'all have a great weekend...and pls, do not allow anyone to lock your unlockables...hihihikikikikihiiihiii...LMAO!


"A man who doesn't trust himself can never truly trust anyone else."  Cardinal de Retz, Memoires

AIRBORNE

Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and bear no semblance to anyone living or dead.

My very good friend, Jasmine, shared this story with me. It happened to someone we knew from years back. I promised to share every juicy story I came across with you. This is one heck of a juicy story. Oh, did I have a good laugh! It wouldn't have been funny at the initial time, but hey, time heals most wounds. The person involved now laughs about it so why won't I? Call up your imaginative self and come with me: Vivienne and Doug have been having an affair for about two years. As at the time of this story, Vivienne was a fourth year student in one of the colleges out of state while Doug lived in New Jersey with his wife of seventeen years and their three kids.

One weekend in August of 2011, Vivienne was coming to spend a four-day weekend with her man. Her busy schedule made it impossible to visit often. Doug promised her a special surprise and a memorable weekend. He took the Thursday and Friday off to have ample time for his girl, rented a suite in a hotel out of town, ready to have a blast!

As soon as she boarded the plane, as agreed, Vivienne called and informed Doug. The journey normally takes one and a half hours. "Yes...today is the day," Doug muttered. "Today she will experience the new Douglas Jimka...aah...Vivienne will know that I am the man!" He was whistling and dancing to Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" as he took the maximum dose of a new Aphrodisiac he bought off the world wide web. Its onset is about one hour and the effects last for 36 hours! According to the manufacturers, the man should commence action as soon as the effects of the drug start! Thirty minutes after taking the drug, a heavy storm was announced. Yes, Doug and Vivienne knew about the oncoming storm but convinced themselves that Vivienne would have arrived in New Jersey before it would start!

"Hell No...it cannot be! Who-t da f...damn! Rerouting the plane? What do these fools mean by diverting the plane? For what?" Three hours later, Vivienne was still airborne! Doug was airborne too, having gone from being very uncomfortable to having excruciating pain and a fever. His erected manhood was near breaking point! He found it impossible to stand, sit or lie down! The slightest movement hurt as if someone was tugging on his genital to severe it from his body!  Even the touch of his briefs or bed linen caused intense pain! That was when he called Jasmine wailing! Masturbation was out of the question...the severity of the pain ruled out such act! Go to the Emergency room? But what would he tell the doctor...and then his wife...yes, his wife who knew he went to a conference in San Francisco? No...the hospital was not an option! He wrapped his rigid sex organ in ice-cold wash cloth and got some relief. By the time Vivienne arrived four hours later, Doug was too exhausted to perform. He would not even let Vivienne come too close, afraid that she might exacerbate the pain! And he could not go home either. For three days, the two sulking lovers stayed in their love nest but lover-boy, Douglas, could not get an arousal!


"One cannot manage too many affairs: like pumpkins in the water, one pops up while you try to hold down the other."-Chinese proverb 

Hello Sexy!

Nkiru Oh

Hello y'all! Just wanna share this with you. Can't keep such fun without sharing! Won't be nice of me, you know. Now tell me, have you ever laughed so hard that your stomach hurt for days? I mean, kinda laughed so 'laughiously' that you almost peed in your pants or shed tears? That was no ordinary laugh right? By the way, who cares whether 'laughiously' is an English word or not! At least, it serves its purpose to quantify the kind of laughter I am talking about! The 'rolling on the floor' type of laugh!

Well, my friends and I did all of the above few weeks ago! My co-worker and friend, Becky (not real name) made us almost 'laugh our heads off' as one of my Ghanaian friends would say! We were in a party. I implore you to close your eyes and imagine the scene as we go along! You may turn off the lights too if that helps to conjure a better imagery! My friend Becky is the kinda person that lightens the room with her personality.

So, we were in a party! Becky wore this gorgeous wrap-around skirt. That day she dressed to kill and she wanted the world to notice! Here we were on the dance floor; Becky in her 4 1/2 inch high heel shoes parading the length and breath of the hall, swinging, flinging, wriggling, wiggling, twisting, taunting, and flaunting her assets in her well-rehearsed manner! You know what I mean, right? Lo and behold, the unexpected happened: Becky was all the way near the high table in the front when someone hushed, Oh my Gawd wha da heeell...!" We looked ahead to find Becky's skirt lying on the floor, a good ten feet away from her, while she was busy cat walking and mingling!!! Holly Molly! With one accord, the whole house roared and roared and roared! That day made me realize that we laugh in various languages! I heard myself laughing in English, Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba and Ijaw! I heard some laughing in Chinese, Deutsch, Arabic, Swahili, German, French, Creole and other languages I did not know! And that was when Becky turned...saw...and...temporarily froze!

Are y'all still with me? What happened was that Becky wore a black, tight boy short underneath the skirt. Thank God it was clean and not torn too! (Please remind me to tell y'all the story of the man with a torn underwear). So, because of the way the short clung tightly around her, she did not feel it when her skirt wriggled off while she continued with her 'notice me' behavior! I believe her skirt wanted to prove that 'what a woman can do, a recalcitrant skirt can do better?' Thank God for the gentleman who quickly picked the 'notice-me-skirt' and gave it back to the rightful owner! Becky nicely put it back and the fun continued uninterrupted! Becky almost 'laughed her head off' too! And everyone was happily ever after!