AIRBORNE

Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and bear no semblance to anyone living or dead.

My very good friend, Jasmine, shared this story with me. It happened to someone we knew from years back. I promised to share every juicy story I came across with you. This is one heck of a juicy story. Oh, did I have a good laugh! It wouldn't have been funny at the initial time, but hey, time heals most wounds. The person involved now laughs about it so why won't I? Call up your imaginative self and come with me: Vivienne and Doug have been having an affair for about two years. As at the time of this story, Vivienne was a fourth year student in one of the colleges out of state while Doug lived in New Jersey with his wife of seventeen years and their three kids.

One weekend in August of 2011, Vivienne was coming to spend a four-day weekend with her man. Her busy schedule made it impossible to visit often. Doug promised her a special surprise and a memorable weekend. He took the Thursday and Friday off to have ample time for his girl, rented a suite in a hotel out of town, ready to have a blast!

As soon as she boarded the plane, as agreed, Vivienne called and informed Doug. The journey normally takes one and a half hours. "Yes...today is the day," Doug muttered. "Today she will experience the new Douglas Jimka...aah...Vivienne will know that I am the man!" He was whistling and dancing to Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" as he took the maximum dose of a new Aphrodisiac he bought off the world wide web. Its onset is about one hour and the effects last for 36 hours! According to the manufacturers, the man should commence action as soon as the effects of the drug start! Thirty minutes after taking the drug, a heavy storm was announced. Yes, Doug and Vivienne knew about the oncoming storm but convinced themselves that Vivienne would have arrived in New Jersey before it would start!

"Hell No...it cannot be! Who-t da f...damn! Rerouting the plane? What do these fools mean by diverting the plane? For what?" Three hours later, Vivienne was still airborne! Doug was airborne too, having gone from being very uncomfortable to having excruciating pain and a fever. His erected manhood was near breaking point! He found it impossible to stand, sit or lie down! The slightest movement hurt as if someone was tugging on his genital to severe it from his body!  Even the touch of his briefs or bed linen caused intense pain! That was when he called Jasmine wailing! Masturbation was out of the question...the severity of the pain ruled out such act! Go to the Emergency room? But what would he tell the doctor...and then his wife...yes, his wife who knew he went to a conference in San Francisco? No...the hospital was not an option! He wrapped his rigid sex organ in ice-cold wash cloth and got some relief. By the time Vivienne arrived four hours later, Doug was too exhausted to perform. He would not even let Vivienne come too close, afraid that she might exacerbate the pain! And he could not go home either. For three days, the two sulking lovers stayed in their love nest but lover-boy, Douglas, could not get an arousal!


"One cannot manage too many affairs: like pumpkins in the water, one pops up while you try to hold down the other."-Chinese proverb 

Where Have All the Nice Girls Gone?

Nkiru Oh

Many a time, a male friend or acquaintance has asked me where he could find "a nice girl" to marry? I often dismissed such question with a wave of hand. I had presumed those men were being unreasonably picky. My recent encounter with Jason (not real name) made me re-evaluate my stand. Come to think of it, "where really have all the nice girls gone?" This question got me thinking and asking my own series of questions! And "where have all the good men gone?"

How many times have you heard a man talk about searching for Miss Right, or a woman talk about looking or waiting for Mr. Right or her Soul Mate? My question remains: how prepared is the man or woman to meet that right person? Yes, everyone has a 'list' of what he/she wants from a mate. How about what the mate may be looking for in you? The questions I asked Jason few weeks ago apply to all the single men and women out there who are looking for that right mate. How long is your list? How 'meetable' are your goals? Are there things on your list that are pushing likely 'catches' away? Are you looking for the impossible, or the 'impossicant' as I sometimes term it just for emphasis? Are you living in the present or past?

One look at Jason's list made me ask him whether he was looking for a slave or a wife? If you have a penchant for trying to change your mate, then you seriously need to re-evaluate your list! If a girl is fond of stopping her man from what he enjoys, then she has a long time to wait! So how long is your list girl? Men do not want a girl with a long list, or one full of  'don'ts' and 'never'! Girls do not want that either!

So where have all the nice girls gone? Where are all the good men? Are you mentally prepared to meet that right person? Are you working towards that or are you waiting for a chance encounter? I mean, if you want something, go for it. Hey girls, please, I did not say be desperate! Desperation scares the crap outta likely potentials! I said, go for it and that entails preparing yourself, being ready to be the Mr. Right/ Miss Right so that when you meet your mate, two of you will form a nice fit! I liken dating to being ready for a job. If one wants a position, it's better to prepare oneself for that position by acquiring the needed skills or training so that when the opportunity knocks, one readily answers! You want an independent woman, for example? Are you independent? You want a mate with 'potentials'? I have heard this uncountable number of times from both sexes! My question: what are your potentials? You want an educated, intelligent man? Are you educated and intelligent? Oh yes, the man wants a woman that is driven? Are you driven? What drives you?

How often do you review your list? Are you aware that the Mr. or Miss Right you seek has his or her own list? Are there things you are willing to compromise? Do you need to climb down from your high horse? Are you suffering from an over bloated ego? While I suggest you do not compromise your ideals, those things that make you who you are, I also advice that you do not over-rate yourself! Are you Mr. Right yourself? Or are you waiting for your Miss Right to come around to either "mother you" or "accept you as you are?" Really? How about you being the right person while looking for your right match? Or are you projecting your inadequacies onto the potential? Are you blaming whoever you meet for having a false sense of value cos of your below average standards? Mmmmm, not a good idea, you know! Prepare yourself. Do not concentrate on finding the right person. Work more on being the right person yourself so that when you meet your Miss or Mr. Right, none of you would wanna let go!

Permit me to inform you that my conversation with Jason opened his eyes! He later told me that he revisited his list and made some necessary adjustments. Thank you Jason for your honest appraisal of self? Before you start condemning every opposite sex, are you willing and ready to to do an honest self-appraisal? Do you know where you are lacking? Are you too righteous to err, the Mr. and Miss Perfects of the world? Are you ready to accept your shortcomings and readjust your list? Are you willing and ready to learn, unlearn, and relearn certain things? I'll be glad to hear from you!

Money, Love and Relationship: My Perspective

Nkiru Oh

So what's this fuss about women being too materialistic because they want to date or marry only men with substance? The way some men, and sometimes women too, talk about this issue, am like is it now a taboo for a man to be rich? Yea, before you tell me that "money is the root of all evil," I beg you to please not misquote the Holy Book. I don't appreciate it when this amazing book is misrepresented. It says that, "the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. See the difference? So it is not money that is bad. It is when one loves money and worships it like a demi-god. And that is awful!

Am thinking, what's wrong with a man having money? Or, what's wrong with a man having it all? What's wrong with a man being able to provide for his guurl? Hey, feminists, and feminists-in-the-making, please don't even go there! Am not saying a woman should be a lazy bone or a leech! But as far as am concerned, being an independent, career woman should not stop a woman from allowing herself to be spoilt by her man! Or shall it? What's wrong with having both worlds anyway? Just my thoughts though!

Of course I know, a woman should be able to contribute in her own womanly ways....Any real woman would wanna be a pillar of support to her man. There is joy in that too. But is there anything inherently wrong in a woman choosing a man with substance? Why can a man be selective about the type of guurl he wants but some people cry blue murder when a woman does that? Why is it okay for a man to give statistics of who he wants to be with but a woman cannot do that? Yea, some men want them tall, short, skinny as a tube, curvy, fat, extra fat, exta-extra fat, fair, black, white, green, yellow, bald-headed, long-haired, short-haired, no foreign-haired, employed, professional, and so on. But a woman may be accused of having a false sense of value if she does that. Why?

Is there any man out there who sets out to date a Loser? You know, there are Losers and there  are Certified Losers, (CLs)! Never mind, I will explain: a Loser does not want to excel and does not envy any who excelled. He/ she is just resigned to his/her lot. Fine. A Certified Loser, on the other hand, does not want to excel, does not want anyone to excel, hates whoever excels, and blames everybody else, except himself/herself of course, for his/her woes! Terrible, you just screamed?  So who wants any of these for keeps? Not me, any way!

Should all men swear off wealth and embrace penury to cure guurls of  being 'too materialistic'? Oh yes, I know some will tell me that every relationship should be based on love. Love, yes. But how about if the man has love and money as well? How about if he spices up those two with character? Will a guurl say 'No' to such a man simply because he is 'loaded'? Does it now mean that men with a combination of money, love and character are extinct? I don't think so people! Those three characteristics are not mutually exclusive after all! Do I know men who possess all three characteristics? You bet I sure do!

I did a little research...not official mind you. I found out that people who emphasize this materialism stuff are not rich themselves. Is this then a kind of compensation? So my advice is this, free your minds people! Live your life and let others live theirs. And make your choices wisely too! What is your take on this?

THE LETTER

By Nkiru Oh

(Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and not associated with anyone living or dead)

Otunba and Uduak had been married for 27 years. The couple were blessed with four children, twin boys, Miogbon and Mobolaji, and two girls, Ekaete and Takumi. Uduak, 48, was a 12th grade mathematics teacher in one of the high schools in New Jersey.

After twenty years as an accountant with a top notch firm in New York, Otunba retired and became self-employed. He exported fairly used cars to their native country Naija. His nature of business entailed a lot of traveling. He often went to Naija two weeks after the container had shipped. After selling the cars and whatever he shipped, he brought back ethnic foodstuffs which he resold to the ethnic food stores in the tri-state area (New Jersey, New York and Connecticut) with a high profit margin. On occasions when he did not sell everything during his trips, he supplied them to his customers who later paid the money into his domiciliary account.

Tall and handsome with broad shoulders, Otunba, at 58, looked ten years younger than his age. His smiles were disarming. His friends called him a 'ladies man'. More than twice Uduak had to forbid some of Takumi's female friends from coming over to their house because of their provocative dressings and the manner at which her husband stole glances at them. The children and their dad teased her for being too 'local' and weird. Otunba often commented that his wife left the village but the village never left her.

As time went on, Otunba started staying longer in Naija. Three weeks increased to four, five, six weeks, and then up to three months or more. Every subsequent trip lasted longer than the one before. His late-night phone calls increased too. He was getting too many customers who wanted him to buy cars for them. So why should he restrict their calls? 

"Otunba why do you now need to hide to answer your calls?" Uduak asked him one night when she woke up to use the bathroom at 2 o'clock in the morning and did not see him in bed. She became anxious but finally found him in the guest bathroom, with the lights out, talking on his cell phone.
"If you must know, Mrs. Curious Monkey, I do not want to disturb my wife's sleep! I mean, why should I?...here, take the phone and talk to Mr. Ibe, my agent cum major customer in Abuja...ask him why he is bringing many business deals to your husband? Go ahead, ask him...women and their troubles! You never satisfy them!" He walked past his wife and went back to bed. Uduak rejoined him, unconvinced by his feigned anger!

With time, Otunba started complaining about most things ranging from the food to sex. Every night he surfed the social networks for hours. Then he started chewing Viagra like candies and began asking for all kinds of sexual positions: the dog style, figure-8, figure-6, twist, humpy-hump, monkey style, and so on. Uduak's face-me-I-face-you (missionary) position no longer appealed to him. The fact that  she could not satisfy her husband's sexual appetite was alarming. She complained to the children who asked her to learn to live with the times!

Uduak went into a mild depression, started losing weight which turned her husband off the more. One day, after returning from one of his trips to Naija, Otunba did the unthinkable: he demanded a threesome and gave his wife one week to fulfil it! The tone of his voice when he said those words convinced her that he meant it! It was more like a monosyllabic whisper. One week passed, Uduak did nothing. She was confused. Then two weeks, nothing. On the third week came another bombshell: either Uduak gave him a threesome or he would file for divorce!

The chips were down! Uduak wept for three days! She did not want a divorce. Her religion and upbringing were against that. Her problem was consuming her. Her work started to suffer. Her colleagues noticed. The principal inquired but Uduak told everyone that everything was okay.

One day after Uduak had missed school again, her colleague, Twana, came to visit. Initially Uduak was reluctant to confide in Miss T, as students and staff called Twana. When Miss T told her the rumor circulating in school about her, Uduak broke down and cried her hearts out. 

" I will do it for you Uduak. If that's all he wants, common now, I will do it for you."

"You sure Miss T?"

"Of course, Uduak, and I swear with my life, no soul will hear about it unless you or Otunba spilled the beans!"
"You sure, Miss Twana Ivers? Look me in the eyes and promise me that I will not regret this!"
"Yes, I am sure, Mrs. Uduak Otunba! I have sworn with my life...and believe me, you will thank me for everything!" she reiterated.

Uduak got up, wiped her tears and embraced her new best friend and confidante, "after all a threesome is better than the rumor of me having HIV/AIDS!" Thus Uduak saved her marriage! Everyone was happy. Otunba reduced the duration of his trips. To him, "what was the point spending his hard earned cash on those undergrads in Naija when Miss T provided better services and for less?" He professed that life had gone back to normal or even better! He did not mind when Uduak started spending more time at Miss T's apartment or going places in her company.

Three months after the special affair began, Otunba came home to an almost empty house! Was he in a dream? Was he in his house or what? He pinched himself severally to make sure he was still alive. Where was his wife? What happened to her, her belongings, and the new living room set he bought the week before? He went "No...No...Noooo!" On the night stand in his bedroom was a letter in his wife's hand-writing. He took one look at it and collapsed on the bedroom floor and let out a shriek, "No...No...No...Noooooooooooooo! God forbid! God forbid! Nooooooooooooooo!"

After he summoned up enough courage, Otunba re-read the letter which began thus, "My beloved Otunba, Thank you very much for giving me one of the best gifts ever...!" He could not take it any more. He threw up and passed out  right there! When he came to, the reality hit him full force again. His beloved wife, Uduak, had left him and moved out of state with her new lover, Miss Twana Ivers.

NUMBER 8

By Nkiru Oh

(Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and have no association with anyone living or dead).

Emeka and Nene had been friends since high school. They attended the same college where both majored in Business Administration. They started dating in college and each professed to be head-over-heels with the other. Three years after college they got engaged. Emeka lived in Pennsylvania while Nene was based in New York. Both were working. Life was good. Three months to their wedding, Emeka eloped with an ex and got married in Alaska. Nene was crushed.

Ten years later, Nene ran into Emeka in a conference in Chicago. He knelt down in the hallway and asked for forgiveness. By the third day, it was a three-day conference, Nene soft-pedaled and they exchanged numbers. Within a short while, the relationship went into top gear. Emeka's friends tried to warn him against the union to no avail. His mind was made up. This time around, he wanted to do it right. Besides, Nene was SSS (single and still searching)! 

Shortly, Emeka started hearing rumors of Nene cheating on him. Each time he raised the topic, Nene would sound offended and threaten to end the relationship. She convinced Emeka that the rumors were being circulated by the 'enemies of progress'; people who were envious of them. He suggested that they should live together but Nene would not hear of it. She guarded her independence with a passion.

One beautiful summer evening, Emeka came to spend another weekend with his girl. The next day, Saturday, after they had come back from the movies, Emeka quickly freshened up and laid down on the queen-sized bed ready for some good time. While Nene was in the shower, her phone rang. Emeka reached for the receiver. What he saw on the caller Id was unbelievably hilarious. "Scumbag # 4", it said. "Wow", he chuckled, "this girl really knows how to take care of those bastards! Mmmm...no wonder all the stories they circulate about her! Fools! Damn them scumbags for sure!"

Emeka started whistling the "I Feel Good" tune. He was getting very excited. "I know what she will save my name as...'Honey', 'Sweetheart', 'Emmy', 'Mekus', or simply 'Darling'...or...or even 'The Man' as she calls me when we make love...lemme find out." Still grinning and almost bursting with pride, Emeka grabbed his cell phone and dialed his girl's number. "No way...this cannot be me!" He speed-dialed a second, third and fourth time, still the same word showed! "Jeez," he rubbed his eyes and put on his glasses, "does it mean Nene has been fooling me all this while?" He dialed a fith time, still the caller Id said, "Scumbag # 8"! Emeka started crying. "This girl is wicked o! So I, Emeka, am a Scumbag?...this witch has been calling me a scumbag all along? Chineke, I am number 8, not even number 1 or 2 or..or even 3 but number 8? God, how long has this been going on?" Emeka did not wait to find out...

Give Love a Chance!

                                  By Nkiru Oh

Some embrace love.

Some shy away from it.

Some are favored by love.

Some scarred by it.

Some commit to love.

Some trivialize it.

Some nurture love.

Some stifle it.

Love illuminates your life.

Love unites and is stronger than strife.

Love makes you often wanna dance!

I wish you love, please give love a chance.