Woman to Woman

By Nkiru Oh

Are you kidding me? Trust me, I must say how I feel! I have borne it for too long! My first question is, why do women project a lot onto their friends and fellow women? Secondly, why are women their worst enemies? Before you carry placards and start demonstrating, please, hear me out! I am a woman and I enjoy being one! What baffles me is the way some women hate and attack fellow women far worse than men do! Did I do any research to come up with this notion? Never said I did. That's why it's my opinion!

Did you just ask whether I speak from experience? You bet! I have seen many instances if that should count as part of my experience. Just yesterday, a twenty-three year old girl was conversing with her twenty-eight year old girlfriend. Are you still with me? Do you notice the five-year age gap? Okay, let's continue. Check out this conversation and see if I still need a research to arrive at my conclusion:
"So when are you getting married?" Corredia, (not rel name) the older girl, suddenly asked.
"What?"
"You heard me. I asked, when are you getting married?"
"Eeehm...what exactly are you talking about?"
"Am talking about you getting married!" This time she emphasized every word. "Or don't you know your mates are all married, some already with children?"
Now, let' rewind a bit. Corredia is five solid years older than her friend! And Corredia is unemployed and SSS, single and still searching. Okay, back to the story:
"Tell me you are kidding, Miss Corredia!"
"Do I look like a jokester to you?"
Need I tell you that by the time her younger, employed, friend who also has a steady boyfriend,  finished with her, the friendship, I am sure, fizzled!

You said one instance is not enough? Okay, how about a fifty-something year old woman addressing a thirty-something year old as "auntie", "yes ma'am", "sorry ma", "good morning ma!" "thank you auntie", and so on. What do you call this? Respect, you said? What kind of respect is that? Explain to me please!
Can't forget the drama at the work places! Some women know who did what to get which promotion; who slept with whom, when, where, how often, and even what each told the other during the act! Jeeez! Trust me, those women who know everything about others have no clue about themselves! Quite unfortunate you know!

Another one that is kinda absurd too is seeing a woman, with about triple layers of foundation to cover the many wrinkles and fine lines on her face, publicly volunteering her age to be in the early forties! Mind you, I ain't getting any younger. Neither are you. And I use foundation too. Common now, I've got to enhance my beauty. Do you notice that I used the word, 'volunteering'? Yes, because, those women do not wait to be asked before they tell you, and often, without minding whether your conversation is related to age and aging or not! Am like, stop already! Zip it please! I am not  interested in anyone's age. I will not discuss mine either. But don't you think it's better for people to say one looks younger than one's age than 'mtcheew, give me a break puuhleez!' I mean, I will prefer the former comment any day! Not that I am bothered by the way I look any way! Not yet. May be years later!

You know what ladies? Just be you. Live your life the best way you can. And learn to smile if you do not do so already. And stop carrying the weight of the whole world on your head. That will break your neck! Stop fussing about getting old and other people' ages or lives! Oh yes, quit poking your nose into other people's business! The more you do that, the worse off you become. It's like all the ages you project to your friends and others come back to you exponentially! Yea, it's okay to laugh! Won't charge you for it!

You still want more examples? Too many to contain in this short piece. A colleague saw me one morning and went like, "hey Nkiru, I think u should lose some weight!" Holly Molly! No, she wasn't done with me yet! "You are getting too fat and you better do something!" Are you kidding me? Did I tell you it was about 7 o'clock in the morning? Or that Miss Adviser did not even say 'hi' or 'good morning' prior to the verbal abuse? I said a short silent prayer: "Lord, please hold my mouth, amen!" When I looked at her abdomen hanging too closely to her knees,...Jesus Christo...no...no...no Nkiru PLEASE DO NOT! Then I heaved a loud sigh and said out loud, "thank you Lord for holding my mouth!" I would have verbally killed her if I had told her how petrified I was due to the size of her abdomen!

For more examples, check out the social networks. Read women's comments about fellow women. Read men's comments too. After that you tell me who uses kinder words to describe women. Rather than be happy for others, some women loathe them with a passion. Too bad! Oh, and some have every ugly explanation about why this or that woman is a success! If an actress succeeds, "oh no, she slept with so and so to get the roles." Oh yea? If another woman does well in business, "no way, she uses black magic." Woow! So, is this having a "Certified Loser's mentality" or what?  Those haters know what everyone else does to make money yet they are unemployed, loafing off relatives, friends and strangers alike, or still live hand-to-mouth or paycheck to paycheck?  My advice: do yourself, your family and the society a favor: get off your behind and make good use of your God-given brains and time! Projecting your flaws and fears onto others ain't gonna solve anything! It's not like I am anti-women. Never! Just don't like slothfulness and envy!

NUMBER 8

By Nkiru Oh

(Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and have no association with anyone living or dead).

Emeka and Nene had been friends since high school. They attended the same college where both majored in Business Administration. They started dating in college and each professed to be head-over-heels with the other. Three years after college they got engaged. Emeka lived in Pennsylvania while Nene was based in New York. Both were working. Life was good. Three months to their wedding, Emeka eloped with an ex and got married in Alaska. Nene was crushed.

Ten years later, Nene ran into Emeka in a conference in Chicago. He knelt down in the hallway and asked for forgiveness. By the third day, it was a three-day conference, Nene soft-pedaled and they exchanged numbers. Within a short while, the relationship went into top gear. Emeka's friends tried to warn him against the union to no avail. His mind was made up. This time around, he wanted to do it right. Besides, Nene was SSS (single and still searching)! 

Shortly, Emeka started hearing rumors of Nene cheating on him. Each time he raised the topic, Nene would sound offended and threaten to end the relationship. She convinced Emeka that the rumors were being circulated by the 'enemies of progress'; people who were envious of them. He suggested that they should live together but Nene would not hear of it. She guarded her independence with a passion.

One beautiful summer evening, Emeka came to spend another weekend with his girl. The next day, Saturday, after they had come back from the movies, Emeka quickly freshened up and laid down on the queen-sized bed ready for some good time. While Nene was in the shower, her phone rang. Emeka reached for the receiver. What he saw on the caller Id was unbelievably hilarious. "Scumbag # 4", it said. "Wow", he chuckled, "this girl really knows how to take care of those bastards! Mmmm...no wonder all the stories they circulate about her! Fools! Damn them scumbags for sure!"

Emeka started whistling the "I Feel Good" tune. He was getting very excited. "I know what she will save my name as...'Honey', 'Sweetheart', 'Emmy', 'Mekus', or simply 'Darling'...or...or even 'The Man' as she calls me when we make love...lemme find out." Still grinning and almost bursting with pride, Emeka grabbed his cell phone and dialed his girl's number. "No way...this cannot be me!" He speed-dialed a second, third and fourth time, still the same word showed! "Jeez," he rubbed his eyes and put on his glasses, "does it mean Nene has been fooling me all this while?" He dialed a fith time, still the caller Id said, "Scumbag # 8"! Emeka started crying. "This girl is wicked o! So I, Emeka, am a Scumbag?...this witch has been calling me a scumbag all along? Chineke, I am number 8, not even number 1 or 2 or..or even 3 but number 8? God, how long has this been going on?" Emeka did not wait to find out...