Baby, please cheat on me...

Disclaimer: all the names in this article are fictitious and bear no semblance to anyone living or dead!

Ben and Mary have been married for six months. Ben confided in one of his friends that his wife had become too old and out of style! As a result, he started going after "fresh blood", as he termed it. He showered money and gifts on them because "they know how to make a man feel complete!" He ended up seducing and marrying Mary, one of his daughter's friends! Life was good! Sex was frequent and amazing! Ben was bragging about his new love life to whoever cared to listen!

One night of a marathon sex almost cost Ben his life. At the peak of passion, Ben was practising the figure-69-method he learned from a porn site when he started convulsing. What started as numbness of his bilateral legs has deteriorated into something serious. Three months ago when Ben experienced numbness during sex, he ignored it and continued. When he discussed it with his new primary doctor, he assured him that everything was okay. Dr Tsen barely knows Ben or his medical history. When the convulsion sent him to the Emergency Room, the ER doctor told Ben he was lucky to be alive. The doctor warned him to slow down or he would end up having a massive heart attack sooner than later! Ben's heart was rapidly failing! He was devastated! What would he tell his wife?

How could he relate such news to Mary? Denial set in. " But what has having multiple rounds of sex got to do with my heart issue? I look good for 63 years, don't I? And that Dr Tsen sef, what does he know about me?" But Ben did not convince himself. He was worried sick. "What will I do? How can I tell Mary that I can no longer continue with those marathon sessions of passion; or perform all those styles? What will I do?" He got angry. "This girl is only 32. But why me? O God, why, why will you do this to me? How can you allow this heart problem to be my portion? After all the tithes and offerings I give you, you still allowed this to happen to me? What kind of ...eh...em...er... God pls!!!!!!"

Finally, Ben got an awakening. "Yes, I got an idea! I know what to do!" He ordered 6 dozen of roses for his wife. Next night, Ben spread the roses on their huge king-size bed. He lit some candles and dimmed the lights. When Mary came in from visiting her sick mom, she was bedazzled by the scene. She felt so loved and gave her husband a passionate kiss. That kiss made Ben wanna change his mind, but no, he must accomplish his plan or die trying! He knelt on one knee in front of his wife. Mary's heart was racing at the speed of light: "what is he up to? Maybe another...hmmmm..." Ben was hyperventilating! With tears in his eyes, he held his wife's hands and started so lovingly:
"Baby, you know I love you with all my heart! You know I love you more than life itself; and I cannot live without you!
"Yees!"
"And you remember what we went through to be together; how I left my wife of 35 years to be with you..."
"Of course, I remember honey, why?"
"Well baby, if you love me the way I love you, if you want me to still be alive for you, baby, please, start cheating on me!"
Mary opened her mouth, tapped her ears to ensure she heard him right. "What? What has come over you, Benjamin?"
"Yes, baby, you must start cheating on me! I don't care with whom or how many!"
"Benjamin Dobaru!"
"Just don't bring them home! Use protection! But please baby, you must start with immediate effect...yes darling, please, cheat on me..."
Mary could not hear more. She slumped and fainted...

"My Husband Padlocks My Manhood"-Gay Nigerian Man Cries

This story is a must read! It's a  'rolling on the floor, laughing my head/ass off'' kind of story. It's on Stella Dimoko Korkus' page in Encomium magazine. It's sooo hilarious I have to share it with you, my dear readers...

For introduction, Chika (pictured above left), a Nigerian gay man who lives in Germany, got married to Marc Schwartz (pictured above right) a few years ago, but the union ended in 2010.
In an interview with Stella, Chika affirmed that he has gone back to his former husband Marc. You would not believe what Marc did to Chika to prevent any intrusion to, or misuse of his (Chika's) genitalia! Warning: be ready lo laugh! Read the excerpt below:


Chika to Stella: I'm back with Marc but under lock and key. He locked my penis with a tiny iron rope that hold my waist and is not covered at the back but my front side is covered with aluminum and I can only pee and clean it.

Stella: How long have you had this?
Chika: Four months now.

Stella: Is it not torture for you?
Chika: Well, it won't last long because I am thinking of separating from him. And I will break the key and divorce him and this time it's final, because I can't continue to be a good wife

Stella: So why did he lock it?
Chika: No trust, that's all

Stella: So why did you go back to him after last time you complained of too much sex which was causing you pain?
Chika: That's because I feel for him and also he always comes to beg. I didn't know it will be like this.

Stella: You're complaining now but were you blind when your penis was being padlocked?
Chika: I did it out of love charm not knowing I am imprisoning myself. I am trying to break that key and once it's done that means I am done with him. I am sick and tired of this suffering and smiling marriage because he cheats and still picks on me as if I am a kid and yet padlocked me. This is prison.


Are you kidding me? Is this guy for real? Y'all have a great weekend...and pls, do not allow anyone to lock your unlockables...hihihikikikikihiiihiii...LMAO!


"A man who doesn't trust himself can never truly trust anyone else."  Cardinal de Retz, Memoires

Could it Be a Phobia or What?

 Nkiru Oh


A conversation I had with a friend few days ago produced this write-up. Deji (not real name) and I were grocery shopping when he suddenly whispered, "hmmmm...seems someone around here has 'ablutophobia'!" Am like -ablu-what? He repeated, "seriously, Nk...some body here has ablutophobia!" I laughed more out of ignorance cos I had no clue what that meant. After the supposed 'ablutophobe' passed by my walking encyclopedia-friend blurted out that ablutophobia means "having an obsessive fear of washing or bathing"! Never heard of that! And so, I decided to test some of my co-workers and friends on their knowledge of phobias. Trust girls, almost everyone knows claustrophobia. Yea, fear of closed space, or confinement, right? But wait until you read some of our findings!

Beside the fun we had learning so many uncommon fears, I realized that a knowledge of some of those phobias may help explain some people and behaviors that we term 'weird' or 'bizarre'. That made me want to share this list with you. Remember that a phobia is having an obsessive fear of an object, person, people, thing, etc. The person possessed of a phobia is a -phobe. For examples: macrophobe, claustrophobe, ablutophobe. Below is some of the rare phobias I found. Happy reading:

Acarophobia: having an obsessive fear of itching.
Acerophobia: having an obsessive fear of sourness or sour things.
To avoid boring you to next week, I won't keep repeating 'having an obsessive fear of'. Will just say 'fear of'. Let the fun continue:

Acrophobia: fear of heights, high places.
Agateophobia/Dementophobia: fear of insanity.
Agathophobia: kindness. Fear of kindness...mmmmmm!
Agryophobia: fear of streets or crossing them.
Agriozoophobia: fear of wild animals.
Ailurophobia: fear of cats.
Alektorophobia: fear of chickens or roosters.
Allodoxaphobia: fear of different opinions. 
Amychophobia: fear of being scratched.
Aneblophobia: fear of looking up.
Androphobia: fear of men.
Anuptophobia: fear of staying single.
Aphenophobia: fear of riches or wealth. Are you kidding me!
Apeirophobia: fear of infinity.
Apotemnophobia: fear of persons with amputations.
Arachbutyrophopbia: fear of peanut butter sticking in mouth. Trust me, some sound crazier than the others!
Atelophobia: fear of imperfections.
Athazagoraphobia: fear of forgetfulness or being forgotten.
Basiphobia: fear of falling or being unable to stand.
Brontophobia/ Ceraunophobia: fear of thunder and lightning.
Blogoophobia:fear of blogs, writing them.
Cacophobia: fear of ugliness.
Caligynephobia/ Venustraphobia:fear of beautiful women. Wow..wow...wow!
Catagelophobia: fear of being ridiculed.
Catapedophobia: fear of jumping
Cathisophobia: fear of sitting. This one is really serious!
Catoptrophobia: fear of mirrors.
Coimetrophobia: fear of cemeteries.
Clinophobia: fear of going to bed.
Coprastasophobia: fear of constipation.
Cyprianophobia: fear of prostitutes or veneral disease. Isn't this one nice?
Cypridophobia: fear of veneral diseases.
Cyprinophobia:fear of  prostitutes. Mmmm...if many people have this fear, I wonder...!
Deipnophobia:fear of  dining.
Dikephobia: fear of justice, lawsuits.
Didaskaleinophobia: fear of going to school.
Dishabiliophobia: fear of undressing in front of someone.
Dystychiphobia: fear of accidents.
Gamophobia: fear of marriage.
Geliophobia: fear of laughter.
Genophobia: fear of sex.
Hamartophobia: fear of sinning.
Haphephobia or Haptephobia: fear of being touched.
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia: fear of the number 666.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: fear of long words.
Novercaphobia: fear of your step-mother. This one is really serious na!.
Ochophobia: fear of vehicles!
Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia: fear of eyes! Now, how does one explain this one!
Optophobia: fear of opening one's eyes!
Orthophobia: fear of property.
Okay, may be you know those ones, how about these:
Rhypophobia:fear of defecation.
Sarmassophobia/ Malaxophobia: fear of love play.
Sinophobia: Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
Sitophobia or Sitiophobia or Cibophobia: fear of food or eating...mmmmmm....
Uranophobia or Ouranophobia: fear of heaven.
Urophobia: fear of urine or urinating.
Venustraphobia: fear of beautiful women.
Vestiphobia: fear of clothing.
Vitricophobia: fear of stepfather!
Wiccaphobia: fear of witches and witchcraft.
Xenophobia: fear of strangers or foreigners.
Xerophobia: fear of dryness
Xylophobia: 1. fear of wooden objects. 2.fear of forests
Xyrophobia: fear of razors.
Zelophobia: fear of jealousy.

The list goes on. While this may be fun, I hope it helps to understand some behaviors! You can add any uncommon ones you know...

"No passion so effectually robs the mind of its powers of acting and reasoning as fear." --Edmund Burke

The Wicked Mom!

Nkiru Oh

Kids are innocent and they often say the funniest things! My first son, Ozi, was three years old when I had his sister. Oh was he ecstatic! He loved her so much and wanted to give her the world. Problem started when his sister would not play wrestling and the game of soccer with him! He therefore requested for a brother. He pleaded that we should 'buy' him a boy to play with. At a point he even gave me the money and showed me where to 'purchase' the boy. As far as he was concerned, parents, especially mothers, have  the power to buy any child they want. And loving moms buy brothers for their sons to play with! Behold, I had another girl and the begging for a brother continued!

By the time Ozi was six, I had had three girls consecutively, and he could not take it any longer! When I was pregnant with the third girl, not that we knew the baby's sex though, he pleaded throughout the pregnancy that I should ensure to have a boy! To welcome the supposed brother, he gave me all his toys and some of his new clothes to keep for 'him'. He also gave me his newest soccer ball to put away for 'him'. All my explanations were too complicated for his innocent young brain. So the very day baby and I came back from the hospital, Ozi was out of himself with joy! He frequently checked the baby's ears. Each time he touched the baby's ears, he smiled broadly and literally kissed her from head to toes! I termed those touches and kisses part of his excitement for having a sibling.

Three days later, he checked the baby's ears and saw she was wearing a pair of tiny stud ear-rings. Boy-Oh-boy...all hell was let loose! Ozi threw himself on the floor wailing and throwing the worst tantrum I ever witnessed in his entire young life! Nothing pacified him! He wouldn't talk to me or look at my face! When my mom, his granny, pleaded that he tell her what ailed him, he snapped angrily, still crying bucketfuls, "Mommy is very wicked. Oh my Guowd...she is very wicked! I begged her not to pierce the baby's ears so that he would remain a boy! Now she pierced his ears and she has become a girl! Mommy has turned my brother into a girl... and girls dunno how to play football!" Holly Molly! It took divine intervention and my mom's wisdom to calm him down! And he continued to give me the meanest look until I promised to have a brother for him some day!

AIRBORNE

Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and bear no semblance to anyone living or dead.

My very good friend, Jasmine, shared this story with me. It happened to someone we knew from years back. I promised to share every juicy story I came across with you. This is one heck of a juicy story. Oh, did I have a good laugh! It wouldn't have been funny at the initial time, but hey, time heals most wounds. The person involved now laughs about it so why won't I? Call up your imaginative self and come with me: Vivienne and Doug have been having an affair for about two years. As at the time of this story, Vivienne was a fourth year student in one of the colleges out of state while Doug lived in New Jersey with his wife of seventeen years and their three kids.

One weekend in August of 2011, Vivienne was coming to spend a four-day weekend with her man. Her busy schedule made it impossible to visit often. Doug promised her a special surprise and a memorable weekend. He took the Thursday and Friday off to have ample time for his girl, rented a suite in a hotel out of town, ready to have a blast!

As soon as she boarded the plane, as agreed, Vivienne called and informed Doug. The journey normally takes one and a half hours. "Yes...today is the day," Doug muttered. "Today she will experience the new Douglas Jimka...aah...Vivienne will know that I am the man!" He was whistling and dancing to Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" as he took the maximum dose of a new Aphrodisiac he bought off the world wide web. Its onset is about one hour and the effects last for 36 hours! According to the manufacturers, the man should commence action as soon as the effects of the drug start! Thirty minutes after taking the drug, a heavy storm was announced. Yes, Doug and Vivienne knew about the oncoming storm but convinced themselves that Vivienne would have arrived in New Jersey before it would start!

"Hell No...it cannot be! Who-t da f...damn! Rerouting the plane? What do these fools mean by diverting the plane? For what?" Three hours later, Vivienne was still airborne! Doug was airborne too, having gone from being very uncomfortable to having excruciating pain and a fever. His erected manhood was near breaking point! He found it impossible to stand, sit or lie down! The slightest movement hurt as if someone was tugging on his genital to severe it from his body!  Even the touch of his briefs or bed linen caused intense pain! That was when he called Jasmine wailing! Masturbation was out of the question...the severity of the pain ruled out such act! Go to the Emergency room? But what would he tell the doctor...and then his wife...yes, his wife who knew he went to a conference in San Francisco? No...the hospital was not an option! He wrapped his rigid sex organ in ice-cold wash cloth and got some relief. By the time Vivienne arrived four hours later, Doug was too exhausted to perform. He would not even let Vivienne come too close, afraid that she might exacerbate the pain! And he could not go home either. For three days, the two sulking lovers stayed in their love nest but lover-boy, Douglas, could not get an arousal!


"One cannot manage too many affairs: like pumpkins in the water, one pops up while you try to hold down the other."-Chinese proverb 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

By Nkiru Oh

Remember the most embarrassing moment we talked about the other day? Well, I have another one to share with you. This did not happen to me though. It happened to one of my colleagues some years back. It's not like I laugh at people's misfortune. Never! The fact is that silly things often make us have a good laugh!

Now talking of a good laugh. Do you know that laughter is said to be one of the best medicines ever! Yea...the good old hahahahahehehekikikihikihiki...! And it's free too! So make sure you reap the rewards of this free therapy. Rather than squeeze your face like someone who drank some raw quinine, learn to laugh at yourself. Common, do not take things more serious than they are! If you are one of the embittered homo sapiens in this world...mmmmm...too bad cos you inflict untold woes on yourself! And do not say I did not warn you!

You know what? I think I can rightly deduce that one of the reasons I have this beautiful face, besides the grace of God, and then my parents' genes, is because I can laugh at my self. You're already clicking on my profile foto to prove me wrong? Naaaa! I mean for someone who started smiling few hours after she was born, I ain't doing badly in the laughing mode! That's one of my bragging rights! You doubt me, ask my mama! No...no...no, I laugh only when it's appropriate. I mean, inappropriate laughter connotes something wrong upstairs. Know what I mean?
Dunno why I like to digress! Think that makes the story juicier. Don't you think so? Yes na. So my friend Olivia (not real name) is not physically endowed like some of us. She learnt to augment her small breasts with enhancers. By the way there are enhancers for the behind too! Wonders shall never end!

So one beautiful morning at about 10:00AM, we worked the 6:00AM -2:00PM shift then, I saw Olivia going frantically from one room to another. Everyone asked her what was wrong. Initially, she paid us no mind. So we joined her in the search for the unknown! Ten minutes passed..then fifteen minutes. I was about to call off the search when one of the funniest scenes in the world unfolded right in front of me. Olivia looked me straight in the eyes and went: "Nkiru, please, did you see one of my boobs?" What? I, a boob-keeper? Then she turned to the team of searchers and went, "please, girls, did any one see my boob? Don't know where or when the right one fell off!" Osanobua! One look at Olivia's unequally yoked boobs and we all laughed so hysterically that my stomach hurt for days! You can imagine the scene! But guess what? We found the recalcitrant, stubborn, elopee boob in one of the bathrooms. Olivia gladly put it back where it belonged and every one was happily ever after! Don't forget to share your story. Let the activated laughing mode continue!

HIGHLY CLASSIFIED!

 Nkiru Oh


For long now, I've been wanting to share something highly classified with you. First of all, have you had an embarrassing moment in your life? I mean, the type of situation where you wished you could disappear, or that every other person would melt into thin air so nobody saw what happened to you? You have? No, don't ask me if I have experienced any. I asked you first. So, have you?

Let me be more specific: have you ever landed on your behind, in public, in the full view of everybody? Don't tell me I have a big behind to cushion the fall! That's not the point any way! The issue is that I landed flat on my behind in what I think was the most embarrassing manner of this century!!! To me at least! So, as I was saying, okay, how about I share mine and after, you share yours? Deal? Fine, here we go then.

No, no,no, why should I be ashamed to share an embarrassing moment with my friends, supporters and viewers? Why should you? Common now, learn to laugh at yourself. Life becomes sweeter that way! Even presidents had fallen at one time or the other. Some fractured some bones if I still recollect correctly! Many celebs too. Yeah, musicians and models are not spared either...some have traveled the route more than once. A couple of models fell off the stage onto the audience yet they did not quit their jobs so why should I not laugh at me? When Miss B or Lady J fell during a performance, each continued as if nothing happened. And that was exactly what I did trust me!

My classified expose` happened during a wedding sometime last year. Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Now release the power of  your imagination to the fullest...you can let it run wild too if you so desire! Start picturing the situation: I, yours sincerely, dressed to the T, wearing my 4-inch big-heeled coach sandals with a purse to match....Are you still there? You are laughing already? Okay, where did I stop? Ahaaa, I used to wear stilettos a lot but not anymore! Not because I got wiser and learnt to spare my back from the effects of wearing such shoes...no way...but am like, what's the point wearing shoes and one's face becoming contorted due to intense pain on the toes and lower back, or one walking with legs bent outwardly as if they have formed a bow, all in the name of fashion? I see people like that a lot. That's tortuous you know! So I now wear block high heels. Don't wanna lose no tooth from landing on my face!
Enough digression please! Eehee, so we were in line to toast the bride and groom. Here I was, feeling on top of the world; dancing so elegantly or should I say majestically; giving my million- dollar smile to whoever needed it; did not have a clue someone spilled wine on the carpet....OMG! Please travel to that day with me...as soon as my right foot touched the spill, all hell broke loose! Tried so much to break the fall to no avail! Come and see me skidding, skiing, gyrating, and finally moon walking for about five feet to the back until I heard a loud 'gboam' on the floor! Oh yes, I fell on my behind in the presence of all the wedding guests! The world stood still! You could hear the pin drop! To add salt to injury, the glass of wine in my hand plus that of the person standing next to me emptied on my white top! I think the lady was so amazed that I could do the moonwalk so easily that she forgot she was holding a glass! Or what do you think? Thanks for making the deal with me. Now go ahead and share your story! ***wink...wink***

NUMBER 8

By Nkiru Oh

(Disclaimer: all the names in this write-up are fictitious and have no association with anyone living or dead).

Emeka and Nene had been friends since high school. They attended the same college where both majored in Business Administration. They started dating in college and each professed to be head-over-heels with the other. Three years after college they got engaged. Emeka lived in Pennsylvania while Nene was based in New York. Both were working. Life was good. Three months to their wedding, Emeka eloped with an ex and got married in Alaska. Nene was crushed.

Ten years later, Nene ran into Emeka in a conference in Chicago. He knelt down in the hallway and asked for forgiveness. By the third day, it was a three-day conference, Nene soft-pedaled and they exchanged numbers. Within a short while, the relationship went into top gear. Emeka's friends tried to warn him against the union to no avail. His mind was made up. This time around, he wanted to do it right. Besides, Nene was SSS (single and still searching)! 

Shortly, Emeka started hearing rumors of Nene cheating on him. Each time he raised the topic, Nene would sound offended and threaten to end the relationship. She convinced Emeka that the rumors were being circulated by the 'enemies of progress'; people who were envious of them. He suggested that they should live together but Nene would not hear of it. She guarded her independence with a passion.

One beautiful summer evening, Emeka came to spend another weekend with his girl. The next day, Saturday, after they had come back from the movies, Emeka quickly freshened up and laid down on the queen-sized bed ready for some good time. While Nene was in the shower, her phone rang. Emeka reached for the receiver. What he saw on the caller Id was unbelievably hilarious. "Scumbag # 4", it said. "Wow", he chuckled, "this girl really knows how to take care of those bastards! Mmmm...no wonder all the stories they circulate about her! Fools! Damn them scumbags for sure!"

Emeka started whistling the "I Feel Good" tune. He was getting very excited. "I know what she will save my name as...'Honey', 'Sweetheart', 'Emmy', 'Mekus', or simply 'Darling'...or...or even 'The Man' as she calls me when we make love...lemme find out." Still grinning and almost bursting with pride, Emeka grabbed his cell phone and dialed his girl's number. "No way...this cannot be me!" He speed-dialed a second, third and fourth time, still the same word showed! "Jeez," he rubbed his eyes and put on his glasses, "does it mean Nene has been fooling me all this while?" He dialed a fith time, still the caller Id said, "Scumbag # 8"! Emeka started crying. "This girl is wicked o! So I, Emeka, am a Scumbag?...this witch has been calling me a scumbag all along? Chineke, I am number 8, not even number 1 or 2 or..or even 3 but number 8? God, how long has this been going on?" Emeka did not wait to find out...